PICCADILLY  A FRAGMENT OF CONTEMPORARY BIOGRAPHY  BY LAURENCE OLIPHANT  WITH EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY RICHARD DOYLE  ELEVENTH EDITION  WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS  EDINBURGH AND LONDON  MDCCCXCII  This Work originally appeared in ' Blackwood 'sMagazine , ' and has been since revised and altered by the Author .   " Some make love in poetry , And some in — Piccadilly . " — Praed .  " Faithful . — ' I say , then , in answer to what Mr Envy hath spoken , I never said aught but this , That what rule , or laws , or customs , or people , were flat against the Word of God , are diametrically opposed to Christianity . If I have said amiss in this , convince me of my error , and I am ready here , before you all , to make my recantation . ' " — Bunyan 's' Pilgrim 'sProgress . ' PREFACE .  Five years have elapsed since the following pages were penned , and periodically issued , under an impulse which seemed at the time irresistible .  I found myself unable , by any conscious act of volition , to control either the plot or the style .  Nor from my present point of view do I particularly admire either the one or the other .  At the same time , I have reason to hope that the republication of this sketch now , with all its defects , is calculated to do more good than harm to the society it attempts to delineate .  This conviction must be my apology for again forcing upon the public a fragment so hostile to it in tone and spirit .  I would reiterate the observation made elsewhere in the work , that none of the characters are intended to represent any members of society who were then , or are now , alive .  PART I .  LOVE .  Piccadilly , 2d February 1865  In a window , a few doors from Cambridge House , the following placard some time since invited , apparently without much effect , the notice of the passers-by , — " To let , this desirable family mansion , " After a considerable period the " desirable family " seem to have been given up in despair , and the words vanished from the scene ; but the board in the window , beginning " to let " remained , while the " mansion " itself was converted upon it into " unfurnished chambers .  "  As , in the words of that " humble companion , " whose life was rendered a burden to her by my poor dear mother , " Money was not so much an object as a comfortable home , " I did not hesitate to instal myself in the first floor , which possessed the advantage of a bay-window , with a double sash to keep out the noise , together with an extensive view of Green Park , and a sailor without legs perpetually drawing ships upon the opposite pavement , as a foreground .  My friend Lord Grandon , who is an Irish peer with a limited income , took the floor above , as I was desirous of securing myself against thumping overhead ; moreover , I am extremely fond of him .  When I say that the position which I enjoy socially , is as well adapted for seeing life as the locality I selected for my residence , most of my more fashionable readers will intuitively discover who I am ; fortunately , I have no cause to desire to maintain an incognito which would be impossible , though , perhaps , I ought to explain the motives which induce me now to bring myself even more prominently before the public than I have been in the habit of doing .  Sitting in my bay-window the other evening , and reading the ' History of Civilisation , ' by my late lamented friend Mr Buckle , it occurred to me that I also would write a history of civilisation — after having seen the world , instead of before doing so , as was the case with that gifted philosopher .  Having for many years past devoted myself to the study of my fellow-men in all countries , I thought the time had come when I could , with profit to myself and the world , give it the benefit of my extended experience and my quick observation .  No sooner had I arrived at this determination , than with characteristic promptitude I proceeded to put it into execution ; and singular though it may appear , it was not until then that I found myself quite incompetent to carry out the vast project I had undertaken .  The reason was at once apparent — I had seen and thought too much ; and was in the position which my predecessor had failed to reach , of experimentally discovering that the task was beyond the human power of accomplishment .  Not easily vanquished , I then thought of subdividing it , and dealing exclusively with a single branch of civilisation .  Mr Thomas Taylor Meadows , thought I , has written a very elaborate chapter upon the progress of civilisation as regarded from a Chinese point of view , why should not I look upon it from a purely Piccadillean ?  — so I immediately looked at it .  The hour 11 P.M. ; a long string of carriages advancing under my windows to Lady Palmerston 's; rain pelting ; horses with ears pressed back , wincing under the storm ; coachmen and footmen presenting the crowns of their hats to it ; streams running down their waterproofs , and causing them to glitter in the gaslight ; now and then the flash of a jewel inside the carriages ; nothing visible of the occupants but flounces surging up at the windows , as if they were made of some delicious creamy substance , and were going to overflow into the street ; policemen in large capes , and if I may be allowed the expression , " helmetically " sealed from the wet , keeping order ; draggled women on foot " moving " rapidly on .  The fine ladies in their carriages moving on too — but not quite so fast .  This Piccadillean view of the progress of civilisation suggested to me many serious reflections ; among others , that if I intended to go to Cambridge House myself , the sooner I went to dress the better .  Which way are we moving ?  I mused , as I made the smallest of white bows immediately over a pearl stud in my neck .  I gave up the " history " of civilisation .  I certainly ca n't call it " the progress " of civilisation ; that does all very well for Pekin , not for London .  Shall I do the Gibbon business , and call it " the decline and fall " of civilisation ?  — and I absently thrust two right-hand gloves into my pocket by mistake , and scrambling across the wet pavement into my brougham , drove in it the length of the file and arrived before I had settled this important question .  While Lady Veriphast , having planted me en tête-à-tête in a remote corner , was entertaining me with her accustomed vivacity , I am conscious of having gazed into those large swimming eyes with a vacant stare so utterly at variance with my usual animated expression , that she said at last , rather pettishly , " What are you thinking about ?  "  " Civilisation , " I said , abruptly .  " You mean Conventionalism , " she replied ; " have you come to the conclusion , as I have , that all conventionalism is vanity ?  "  " No ; only that it is 'vexation of spirit ; ' that is the part that belongs to us — we leave the ' vanity ' to the women .  "  " Dear me , I never heard you so solemn and profound before .  Are you in love ?  "  " No , " I said ; " I am thinking of writing a book , but I do n't see my way to it .  "  " And the subject is the Conventionalism which you call civilisation .  Well , I do n't wonder at your looking vacant .  You are not quite up to it , Lord Frank .  Why do n't you write a novel ?  "  " My imagination is too vivid , and would run away with me .  "  " Nothing else would , " she said , laughing ; " but if you do n't like fiction , you can always fall back upon fact ; be the hero of your own romance , publish your diary , and call it ' The Experiences of a Product of the Highest State of Civilisation .  ' Thus you will be able to write about civilisation and yourself at the same time , which I am sure you will like .  I want some tea , please ; do you know you are rather dull to-night ?  " And Lady Veriphast walked me into the middle of the crowd , and abandoned me abruptly for somebody else , with whom she returned to her corner , and I went and had tea by myself .  But Lady Veriphast had put me on the right track : why , I thought as I scrambled back again from my brougham across the wet pavement to my bay-window , should I not begin at once to write about the civilisation of the day ?  ' The Civilisation of the British Isles , as exhibited in Piccadilly , a Fragment of Contemporaneous Biography , ' that would not be a bad title ; people would think , if I called it a biography , it must be true ; here I squared my elbows before a quantity of foolscap , dipped my pen in the ink , and dashed off the introduction as above .  Next morning I got up and began again as follows : Why should I commit the ridiculous error of supposing that the incidents of my daily life are not likely to interest the world at large ?  Whether I read the diary of Mr Pepys , or of Lady Morgan — whether I wade through the Journal of Mr Evelyn , or pleasantly while away an hour with the memoirs of " a Lady of Quality , " I am equally struck with this traditional practice of the bores and the wits of society , to write at length the records of their daily life , bottle them carefully up in a series of MS. volumes , and leave them to their grandchildren to publish , and to posterity to criticise .  Now it has always appeared to me that the whole fun of writing was to watch the immediate effect produced by one 'sown literary genius .  If , in addition to this , it is possible to interest the public in the current events of one 'slife , what nobler object of ambition could a man propose to himself ?  Thus , though the circle of my personal acquaintances may not be increased , I shall feel my sympathies are becoming enlarged with each succeeding mark of confidence I bestow upon the numerous readers to whom I will recount the most intimate relations of my life .  I will tell them of my aspirations and my failures — of my hopes and fears , of my friends and my enemies .  I shall not shrink from alluding to the state of my affections ; and if the still unfulfilled story of my life becomes involved with the destiny of others , and entangles itself in an inextricable manner , that is no concern of mine .  I shall do nothing to be ashamed of , or that I ca n't tell ; and if truth turn out stranger than fiction , so much the better for my readers .  It may be that I shall become the hero of a sensation episode in real life , for the future looks vague and complicated enough ; but it is much better to make the world my friend before anything serious occurs , than allow posterity to misjudge my conduct when I am no longer alive to explain it .  Now , at least , I have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever happens I shall give my version of the story first .  Should the daily tenor of my life be undisturbed , I can always fall back upon the exciting character of my opinions .  As I write , the magnitude of the task I propose to myself assumes still larger proportions .  I yearn to develop in the world at large those organs of conscientiousness and benevolence which we all possess but so few exercise .  I invoke the cooperation of my readers in this great work : I implore them to accompany me step by step in the crusade which I am about to preach in favour of the sacrifice of self for the public good .  I demand their sympathy in this monthly record of my trials as an uncompromising exponent of the motives of the day , and I claim their tender solicitude should I writhe , crushed and mangled by the iron hand of a social tyranny dexterously concealed in its velvet glove .  I will begin my efforts at reform with the Church ; I may then possibly diverge to the Legislature , and I will mix in the highest circles of society in the spirit of a missionary .  I will endeavour to show everybody up to everybody else in the spirit of love ; and if they end by quarrelling with each other and with me , I shall at least have the satisfaction of feeling myself divested of all further responsibility in the matter .  In my present frame of mind apathy would be culpable and weakness a crime ... .  Candour compels me to state that when , as I told Lady Veriphast , my imagination becomes heated , my pen travels with a velocity which fails to convey any adequate impression of the seething thoughts which course through my brain .  I lose myself in my subject , and become almost insensible to external sensations ; thus it happened that I did not hear the door open as I was writing the above , and I was totally unconscious as I was reading fervently aloud the last paragraph , containing those aspirations which I promised to confide to the public , that I had already a listener .  Judge of my surprise — I may say dismay — when , just as I had finished , and was biting the end of my pen for a new inspiration , I heard the voice of Grandon close behind my chair .  " Well done , my dear Frank , " he said — and as he has known me from my boyhood , he can make allowances for my fervent nature .  " Your programme is very complete , but I doubt your being able to carry it out .  How , for instance , do you propose to open the campaign against the Church ?  "  If there is one quality upon which I pride myself more than another it is readiness .  I certainly had not formed the slightest conception of how these burning thoughts of mine should be put into execution ; but I did not hesitate a second in my answer .  " I shall go down to a bishop and stay with him in his palace , " I replied , promptly .  " Which one ?  " said Grandon .  I was going to say " Oxbridge , " as he is the only one I happen to know ; but , in the first place , I am a little afraid of him ; and , in the second , I am hardly on sufficiently intimate terms with him to venture to propose myself — so I said , with some effrontery , " Oh , to a colonial bishop , whom you do n't know .  "  " Nor you either , I suspect , " laughed Grandon .  " Just at present colonial bishops are rather scarce articles , and I have never heard of one in England with a palace , though there are a good many of them dotted about in snug livings , retaining only their lawn sleeves , either to laugh in or remind them of the dignity and the hardships of which they did not die abroad .  Their temptations are of a totally different nature from theirs who are members of the House of Peers , and they must be treated apart ; in fact , you will have to take them with the missionaries and colonial clergy .  I quite agree with you that if there is one thing that is more urgently needed than a missionary to the ball-room , it is a missionary to the missionaries ; and as you have had so much experience of their operations abroad , you might become a very useful labourer in the ecclesiastical vineyard .  "  I need scarcely say that my heart leaped at the thought ; it was a work for which I felt myself specially qualified .  " Why , " I have thought , " should there be a set of men who preach to others , and are never preached at themselves ?  Every class and condition of life has its peculiar snares and temptations , and one class is set apart to point them out — surely there should be somebody to perform that kind office for them which they do for others .  He who is paid to find out the mote that is in his brother 'seye , and devotes his energies to its discovery , is of all men the one who requires the most kind and faithful friend to show him the beam which is in his own .  I will be that friend , and charge nothing for it , " thought I .  Grandon saw the flush of enthusiasm which mounted to my brow , and looked grave .  " My impulsive friend , " he said , " this is a very serious subject ; we must beware lest we fall into the error which we blame in others .  It is one thing to see the need of the missionary , it is another to rush headlong upon the work .  However , I am able to offer you an opportunity of beginning at once , for I have just come to tell you that Dickiefield has given us a joint invitation to go down to-morrow to Dickiefield , to stay till Parliament opens ; we shall be certain to find a choice assortment of pagan and theological curiosities in that most agreeable of country-houses , and you may possibly meet the identical colonial bishop at whose palace you proposed staying .  The three o'clock train lands us exactly in time for dinner .  Will you come ?  "  " Of course I will .  Nothing would justify my neglecting so promising a vineyard in which to commence my labours ; " and I rubbed my hands enthusiastically , and sat down to write a series of those " consecrated lies " by means of which dinner engagements , already accepted , are at the last moment evaded .  Dickiefield , 4th February .  The party here consists of old Lady Broadhem , with that very aspiring young nobleman , her son , the young Earl ( old Lord Broadhem died last year ) , and his sisters , Ladies Bridget and Ursula Newlyte , neither of whom I have seen since they emerged from the nursery .  They had all disappeared to dress for dinner , however , and Dickiefield had not come home from riding , so that when Grandon and I entered the drawing-room , we found only the deserted apparatus of the afternoon tea , a Bishop , and a black man — and we had to introduce ourselves .  The Bishop had a beard and an apron , his companion a turban , and such very large shoes , that it was evident his feet were unused to the confinement .  The Bishop looked stern and determined ; perhaps there was just a dash of worldliness about the twist of his mustache .  His companion wore a subdued and unctuous appearance ; his face was shaved ; and the whites of his eyes were very bloodshot and yellow .  Neither of them was the least embarrassed when we were shown in ; Grandon and I both were slightly .  " What a comfort that the snow is gone , " said I to the Bishop .  " Yes , " said his lordship ; " the weather is very trying to me , who have just arrived from the Caribbee Islands .  "  " I suppose you have accompanied his lordship from the Caribbee Islands , " said I , turning to the swarthy individual , whom I naturally supposed to be a specimen convert .  " No , " he said ; " he had arrived some months since from Bombay .  "  " Think of staying long in England ?  " said Grandon .  " That depends upon my prospects at the next general election .  I am looking out for a borough .  "  " Dear me !  " said Grandon ; and we all , Bishop included , gazed on him with astonishment .  " My name is Chundango , " he went on .  " My parents were both Hindoos .  Before I was converted my other name was Juggonath ; now I am John .  I became acquainted with a circle of dear Christian friends in Bombay , during my connection , as catechist , with the Tabernacle Missionary Society , was peculiarly favoured in some mercantile transactions into which I subsequently entered in connection with cotton , and have come to spend my fortune , and enter public life , in this country .  I was just expressing to our dear friend here , " pointing in a patronising way towards the Bishop , " my regret at finding that he shares in views which are becoming so prevalent in the Church , and are likely to taint the Protestantism of Great Britain and part of Ireland .  "  " Goodness , " thought I , " how this complicates matters !  which of these two now stands most in need of my services as a missionary ?  " As Dickiefield was lighting me up to my bedroom , I could not resist congratulating him upon his two guests .  " A good specimen of the ' unsound muscular , ' the Bishop , " said I .  " Not very , " said Dickiefield ; " he is not so unsound as he looks , and he is not unique , like the other .  I flatter myself I have under my roof the only well-authenticated instance of the Hindoo converted millionaire .  It is true he became a ' Government Christian 'when he was a poor boy of fifteen , and began life as a catechist ; then he saw a good mercantile opening , and went into cotton , out of which he has realised an immense fortune , and now is going into political life in England , which he could not have done in an unconverted condition .  Who ever heard before of a Bombay man wanting to get into Parliament , and coming home with a carte du pays all arranged before he started ?  He advocates extension of the franchise , ballot , and the Evangelical Alliance , so I thought I would fasten him on to Broadhem — they 'llhelp to float each other .  "  " Who else have you got here besides ?  " I asked .  " Oh , only a petroleum aristocrat from the oil regions of America — another millionaire .  He is a more wonderful instance even than Chundango , for he was a poor man three months ago , when he ' struck oil .  ' You will find him most intelligent , full of information ; but you will look upon him , of course , as the type of the peculiar class to which he belongs , and not of Americans generally .  " And my warm-hearted and eccentric friend , Lord Dickiefield , left me to my meditations and my toilet .  " I shall probably have to take one of these Broadhem girls in to dinner , " thought I , as I followed the rustle of their crinolines down-stairs back to the drawing-room .  So I ranged myself near the one with dark hair and blue eyes — I like the combination — to the great annoyance of Juggonath , who had got so near her for the same purpose that his great foot was on her dress .  " I beg your pardon , Mr Juggernaut , " said I , giving him a slight shove , " I think you are standing — — "  " Chundango , sir , if you please , " said he , unconsciously making way for me , " Juggonath is the name which my poor benighted countrymen — — "  " Juggernaut still speaking , as they say in the telegraphic reports from the House of Commons , " I remarked to Lady Ursula , as I carried her off triumphantly ; and the Indian 'svoice was lost in the hum of the general movement towards the dining-room .  I have promised not to shrink from alluding to those tender sensibilities which an ordinary mortal jealously preserves from the rough contact of his fellow-men ; but I am not an ordinary mortal , and I have no hesitation in saying , that never in my life have I gone through such a distinct change of feeling in the same period as during the two hours we sat at that dinner .  Deeply versed as I am in every variety of the sex , married or single , how was I to know that Lady Ursula was as little like the rest of the species as our Bombay friend was to wealthy Hindoos generally ?  What reason had I to suppose that Lady Broadhem 'sdaughter could possibly be a new type ?  Having been tolerably intimate at Broadhem House before she was out , I knew well the atmosphere which had surrounded her youth , and took it for granted that she had imbibed the family views .  " Interesting creature , John Chundango , Esq. , " said I , for I thought she had looked grave at the flippancy of my last remark ; " he has quite the appearance of a ' Brand .  ' "  " A what ?  " said Lady Ursula , as she looked up and caught him glaring fixedly at her with his great yellow eyeballs from the other side of the table .  " Of course I do n't mean of the ' whipper-in ' of the Liberal party , but of one rescued from fire .  I understand that his great wealth , so far from having proved a snare to him , has enabled him to join in many companies for the improvement of Bombay , and that his theological views are quite unexceptionable .  "  " If his conversion leads him to avoid discussing either his neighbours or their theology , Lord Frank , I think he is a person whom we may all envy .  "  Is that a hit at her mother or at me ?  thought I .  At Broadhem House , society and doctrine used to be the only topics of discussion .  My fair friend here has probably had so much of it that she has gone off on another tack ; perhaps she is a " still deep fast " one .  As I thought thus , I ran over in my mind my young-lady categories , as follows : —  { The wholly worldly First , { and { The worldly holy .  In this case the distinction is very fine ; but though they are bracketed together , there is an appreciable difference , which perhaps , some day when I have time , I shall discuss .  Second , " The still deep fast .  "  This may seem to be a contradiction in terms ; but the fact is , while the upper surface seems tranquil enough , there is a strong rapid undercurrent .  The danger is , in this case , that you are very apt to go in what is called a " header .  " The moment you dive you get caught by the undercurrent , and the chances are you never rise to the surface again .  Third , " The rippling glancing fast .  "  This is less fatal , but to my mind not so attractive as the other .  The ripples are produced by quantities of pebbles , which are sure to give one what is called in America " a rough time .  " The glancing is only dangerous to youths in the first stage , and is perfectly innocuous after one season .  Fourth , " The rushing gushing fast .  "  This speaks for itself , and may be considered perfectly harmless .  There are only two slows — the " strong-minded blue slow , " and the " heavy slow .  "  The " strong-minded blue slow " includes every branch of learning .  It is extremely rare , and alarming to the youth of the day .  I am rather partial to it myself .  The " heavy slow " is , alas !  too common .  To return to Lady Ursula : not " worldly holy , " that was quite clear ; certainly neither of the " slows , " I could see that in her eye , to say nothing of the retort ; not " rippling glancing , " her eye was not of that kind either ; certainly not " rushing gushing .  " What remained ?  Only " Wholly worldly , " or " still deep fast .  "  These were the thoughts that coursed through my mind as I pondered over her last remark .  I had not forgotten that I had a great work to accomplish .  The missionary spirit was ever burning within me , but it was necessary to examine the ground before attempting to prepare it for seed .  I 'lltry her as " still deep , " thought I .  " Did you go out much last season ?  " I said , by way of giving an easy turn to the conversation .  " No ; we have been very little in London , but we are going up this year .  We have always resisted leaving the country , but mamma wants to make a home for Broadhem .  "  " Ah !  it is his first season , and naturally he will go out a great deal .  Of course you know the three reasons which take men into society in London , " I said , after a pause .  " No , I do n't .  What are they ?  "  " Either to find a wife , or to look after one 'swife , or to look after somebody else 's.  "  I was helping myself to potatoes as I made this observation in a tone of easy indifference ; but as she did not immediately answer , I glanced at her , and was at once overcome with remorse and confusion ; her neck and face were suffused with a glow which produced the immediate effect upon my sensitive nature of making me feel a brute ; her very eyelids trembled as she kept them steadily lowered : and yet what had I said which I had not repeatedly said before to both the " slows , " one of the " worldlies , " and all the " fasts " ?  Even some of the " worldly holies " rather relish this style of conversation , though I always wait for them to begin it , for fear of accidents .  Fortunately , however much I am moved , I never lose my presence of mind ; so I deliberately upset my champagne-glass into her plate , and , with the delicacy and tact of a refined nature , so worded the apologies with , which I overwhelmed her , that she forgave my first gaucherie in laughing over the second .  She can be nothing now , thought I , but " wholly worldly , " but she should be ticketed , like broadcloth , " superfine ; " so I must tread cautiously .  " I hear Lord Broadhem is going to make his political début in a few days , " I remarked , after a pause .  " What line does he think of taking ?  "  " He has not told me exactly what he means to say , as I am afraid we do not quite agree in what philosophers call 'first principles , ' " she replied , with a smile and a slight sigh .  " Ah !  " I said , " I can guess what it is ; he is a little too Radical for you , but you must not mind that ; depend upon it , an ambitious young peer ca n't do better than ally himself with the Manchester school .  They have plenty of talent , but have failed as yet to make much impression upon the country for lack of an aristocrat .  It is like a bubble company in the City ; they want a nobleman as chairman to give an air of respectability to the direction .  He might perhaps be a prophet without honour if he remained in his own country , so he is quite right to go to Manchester .  I look upon cotton , backed by Exeter Hall , as so strong a combination , that they would give an immense start in public life to a young man with great family prestige , even of small abilities ; but as Broadhem has good natural talents , and is in the Upper House into the bargain , the move , in a strategical point of view , so far as his future career is concerned , is perfect .  "  " I cannot tell you , Lord Frank , " said Lady Ursula , " how distressed I am to hear you talk in this way .  As a woman , I suppose I am not competent to discuss politics ; and if Broadhem conscientiously believes in manhood suffrage and the Low Church , and considers it his duty before God to lose no opportunity of propagating his opinions , I should be the first to urge his using all the influence which his name and wealth give him in what would then become a sacred duty ; but the career that you talk about is not a sacred duty .  It is a wretched Will-o'-the-wisp that tempts men to wade through mire in its pursuit , not the bright star fixed above them in the heavens to light up their path .  I firmly believe , " she went on , as she warmed to her theme , " that that one word 'Career , ' has done more to demoralise public men than any other word in the language .  It is one embodiment of that selfishness which we are taught from our cradles .  Boys go to school with strict injunctions if possible to put self at the top of it .  They take the highest honours at the university purely for the sake of self .  How can we expect when they get into Parliament that they should think of anything but self , until at last the most conscientious of them is only conscientious by contrast ?  Who is there that ever tells them that personal ambition is a sin the most hateful in the sight of God , the first and not the last 'infirmity of noble minds '?  I know you think me foolish and unpractical , and will tell me mine is an impossible standard ; but I do n't believe in impossible standards where public morality is concerned .  At all events , let us make some attempt in an upward direction ; and as a first step I propose to banish from the vocabulary that most pernicious of all words , ' A Career .  ' "  She stopped , with eyes sparkling and cheeks flushed ; by the way , I did not before remark , for I only now discovered , that she was lovely — " wholly worldly " — what sacrilege !  say rather " barely mortal ; " and I forthwith instituted a new category .  My own ideas , thought I , expressed in feminine language ; she is converted already , and stands in no need of a missionary .  Grandon himself could not take higher ground ; as I thought of him I looked up , and found his eyes fixed upon us .  " My friend Grandon would sympathise most cordially in your sentiments , " I said , generously ; for I had fallen a victim in preparing the ground ; I had myself tumbled into the pit which I had dug for her ; for had I not endeavoured to entrap her by expressing the most unworthy opinions , in the hope that by assenting to them she would have furnished me with a text to preach upon ?  " Yes , " she replied , in a low tone , and with a slight tremor in her voice , " I know what Lord Grandon 'sviews are , for he was staying with us at Broadhem a few weeks ago , and I heard him upon several occasions discussing the subject with my brother .  "  " Failed to convert him , though , it would appear , " said I , thinking what a delightful field for missionary operations Broadhem House would be .  " Perhaps I should be more successful .  Grandon wants tact .  Young men sometimes require very delicate handling .  "  " So do young women , " said Lady Ursula , laughing .  " Will you please look under the table for my fan ?  " and away sailed the ladies , leaving me rather red from having got under the table , and very much in love indeed .  I was roused from the reverie into which I instantly fell by Dickiefield telling me to pass the wine , and asking me if I knew my next neighbour .  I looked round and saw a young man with long flaxen hair , blue eyes , and an unhealthy complexion , dexterously impaling pieces of apple upon his knife , and conveying them with it to his mouth .  " Mr Wog , " said Dickiefield , " let me introduce you to Lord Frank Vanecourt .  "  " Who did you say , sir ?  " said Mr Wog , in a strong American accent , without taking the slightest notice of me .  " Lord Frank Vanecourt , " said Dickiefield .  " Lord Frank Vanecourt , sir , how do you do , sir ?  — proud to make your acquaintance , sir , " said Mr Wog .  " The same to you , sir , " said I .  " Pray , where were you raised ?  " I wanted to show Mr Wog that I was not such a barbarian as he might imagine , and knew how to ask a civil question or two .  " Well , sir , I 'ma Missouri man , " he replied .  " I was a captain under Frank Blair , till I was taken bad with chills and fever ; then I gave up the chills and kept the fever — ' oil-fever ' they call it down to Pithole — you 'veheard of Pithole ?  "  " Yes , " I said , I had heard of that magical city .  " Well , just as I struck oil , one of your English lords came over there for the purpose of what he called ' getting up petroleum 'and we were roommates in the same hotel for some time , and got quite friendly ; and when he saw my new kerosene lamp , and found I was coming to have it patented in this country , he promised to help me to get up a Patent Lamp Company , and gave me letters to some of your leading aristocracy ; so , before leaving , I saw the President , and told him I would report on the state of feeling in your highest circles about our war .  We know what it is in your oppressed classes , but it aint every one has a chance , like me , of finding out how many copperheads there are among your lords .  My father , sir , you may have heard of by name — Appollonius T .  Wog , the founder , and , I may say , the father of the celebrated 'Pollywog Convention , ' which was named after him , and which unfortunately burst up just in time to be too late to save our country from bursting up too .  "  I expressed to Mr Wog my condolences on the premature decease of the Pollywog Convention , and asked him how long he had been in England , and whom he had seen .  " Well , sir , " he said , " I have only been here a few days , and I have seen considerable people ; but none of them were noblemen , and they are the class I have to report upon .  The Earl of Broadhem , here , is the first with whom I have conversed , and he informs me that he has just come from one of your universities , and that the sympathies of the great majority of your rising youth are entirely with the North .  "  " You may report to your Government that the British youth of the present day , hot from the university , are very often prigs .  "  " Most certainly I will , " said Mr Wog ; " the last word , however , is one with which I am not acquainted .  "  " It is an old English term for profound thinker , " I replied .  Mr Wog took out a pocket-book , and made a note ; while he was doing so , he said , with a sly look , " Have you an old English word for ' quite a fine gurl '?  "  " No , " I said ; " they are a modern invention .  "  " Well , sir , I can tell you the one that sat ' twixt you and me at dinner would knock the spots out of some of our ' Sent ' Louis belles .  "  In my then frame of mind the remark caused me such acute pain that I plunged into a conversation that was going on between Grandon and Dickiefield on the present state of our relations with Brazil , and took no further notice of Mr Wog for the rest of the evening ; only , as my readers may possibly hear more of him in society during this season , I have thought it right to introduce him to them at once .  We all went to hear Broadhem 'sspeech next day , and whatever might have been our private opinion upon the matter , we all , with the exception of Grandon and Lady Ursula , warmly congratulated him upon it afterwards .  John Chundango and Joseph Caribbee Islands both made most effective speeches , but we did not feel the least called upon to congratulate them : they each alluded with great affection to the heathen and to Lord Broadhem .  Chundango drew a facetious contrast between his lordship and an effeminate young Eastern prince , which was highly applauded by the audience that crowded the town-hall of Gullaby ; and Joseph made a sort of grim joke about the probable effect of the " Court of Final Appeal " upon the theological tenets of the Caribbee Islanders , that made Lady Broadhem cough disapprobation , and everybody else on the platform feel uncomfortable .  I confess I have rather a weakness for Joseph .  He has a blunt off-hand way of treating the most sacred topics , that you only find among those who are professionally familiar with the subject .  There is something refreshingly muscular in the way he lounges down to the smoking-room in an old grey shooting-coat , and lights the short black meerschaum , which he tells you kept off fever in the Caribbee Islands , while the smoke loses itself in the depths of his thick beard , which he is obliged to wear because of his delicate throat .  There is a force and an ease in his mode of dealing with inspiration at such a moment which you feel must give him an immense ascendancy over the native mind .  He possesses what may be termed a dry ecclesiastical humour , differing entirely from Chundango 's, whose theological fun takes rather the form of Scriptural riddles , picked up while he was a catechist .  Neither he nor Broadhem smoke , so we had Wog and the Bishop to ourselves for half an hour before going to bed .  " You must come and breakfast with me some morning in Piccadilly to meet my interesting friend Brother Chrysostom , my lord , " said I .  I always like to give a bishop his title , particularly a missionary bishop ; it is a point of ecclesiastical etiquette about which I have heard that the propagators of Christianity were very particular .  " If you will allow me , sir , I will join the party , " said Mr Wog , before the Bishop could reply ; " and as I do n't know where Piccadilly is , I 'lljust ask the Bishop to bring me along .  There is a good deal of law going on between your bishops just now , " our American friend went on , " and I should like to know the rights of it .  We in our country consider that your Ecclesiastical Court is a most remarkable institution for a Christian land .  Why sir , law is strictly prohibited in a certain place ; and it seems to me that you might as well talk of a good devil as a religious court .  If it is wrong for a layman to go to law , it must be wrong for a bishop .  What 'ssauce for the goose is sauce for the gander ; that proverb holds good in your country as well as mine , do n't it ?  "  " The Ecclesiastical Court is a court of discipline and doctrine rather than of law , " said Dickiefield .  " Well , it 'sa court anyhow you fix it ; and your parsons must be a bad lot to want a set of lawyers reg'larly trained to keep them in order .  "  " Perhaps Parson Brownlow would have been the better of a court of some kind , " said the Bishop .  " It seems to me that to be a minister of the Gospel at one moment , a colonel at another , and the Governor of a State at a third , illustrates the abuses which arise when such courts do n't exist .  With us , now , when a man once takes orders , he remains in them for the rest of his life .  "  " Even after he has concluded not to obey them , eh ?  " asked Mr Wog .  " Ah , Mr Wog , " I interrupted , " before you return to the oil regions , you must make yourself acquainted with the enormous advantages connected with a State Church .  You must grasp the idea that it is founded chiefly upon Acts of Parliament — that the clergy are only a paid branch of the Civil Service , exercising police functions of a very lofty and important character .  The ' orders ' come from the Queen , the ' Articles ' are interpreted by the Privy Council , and ' England expects every clergyman to do his duty .  ' As I think some of the late doctrinal decisions of the judicial committee are questionable , I am drawing up a bill for the reform of the Protestant religion , and for the addition of a fortieth article to the existing thirty-nine .  If I can carry it through both Houses of Parliament , all the convocations in Christendom cannot prevent the nation from accepting it as absolute divine truth ; and I shall have the extreme satisfaction of feeling that I am manufacturing a creed for the masses , and thus securing a theological progress commensurate with our educational enlightenment .  As long as the law of the land enables a majority of the Legislature to point out the straight and narrow way to the archbishops and bishops who have to lead their flocks along it , I have no fear for the future .  It must be a comfort to feel , that if the worst comes to the worst , you have , as in the House of Commons , to lean upon ' my lord .  ' "  But the " dry ecclesiastical humour " of the Bishop , to which I have referred , did not evidently run in the same channel as mine .  " I do n't think , " he said , sternly , " that this is either the place or the mode in which to discuss subjects of so solemn a nature .  "  " I was only speaking of the system generally , " I retorted , " and did not propose to enter here upon any doctrinal details of a really sacred character ; those I leave to ecclesiastical dignitaries and learned divines with initials , to ventilate in a sweet Christian spirit in the columns of the daily press .  "  But the Bishop had already lit his candle , and with an abrupt " good night , " vanished .  " Really , Frank , " said Dickiefield , " it is not fair of you to drive my guests to bed before they have finished their pipes in that way .  What you say may be perfectly true , but there can be no sort of advantage in stating it so broadly .  "  " My dear Dickiefield , how on earth is our friend Wog here to understand what his southern countryman would call ' our peculiar institution , ' if somebody does not enlighten him ?  I want him , on his return , to point out to the President the advantage of substituting a State Church for the State rights which are so rapidly disappearing .  " Whereupon we diverged into American politics ; and I asked Grandon an hour later , as we went to bed , what he thought of my first missionary effort .  " If the effect of your preaching is to drive your listeners away , " he said , laughing , " I am afraid it will not meet with much success .  "  " It is a disagreeable task , but somebody must do it , " I replied , feeling really discouraged .  " It makes me quite sad to look at these poor wandering shepherds , who really mean to do right , but who are so utterly bewildered themselves , that they have lost all power of guiding their flocks without the assistance of lawyers .  When did these latter bring back ' the key of knowledge , ' that one of old said they had ' taken away ?  ' or why are they not as 'blind leaders of the blind 'now as they were then ?  If I speak harshly , it is because I fancy I see a ditch before them .  I shall feel bound to trouble the Bishop again with a few practical remarks .  There is no knowing whether even he may not be brought to perceive that you might as well try to extract warmth from an iceberg as divine inspiration from the State , and that a Church without inspiration is simply a grate without fire .  The clergy may go on teaching for doctrine the commandments of men , and stand and shiver in a theology which comes to them filtered through the Privy Council , and which is as cold and gloomy as the cathedrals in which it is preached .  But the congregations who are crying aloud for light and heat will go and look for them elsewhere .  "  " You are a curious compound , Frank , " said Grandon ; " I never knew a man whose moods changed so suddenly , or whose modes of thinking were so spasmodic and extreme ; however , I suppose you are intended to be of some use in the world " — and he looked at me as a philosopher might at a mosquito .  " By the way , we must leave by the early train to-morrow if we want to get to town in time for the opening of Parliament .  "  " I think I shall stay over to-morrow , " I answered .  " Broadhem is going up , but the ladies are going to stay two days longer , and the House can open very well without me ; besides , Chundango and the Bishop are going to stay over Sunday .  "  " That is an inducement , certainly , " said Grandon .  " Come , you must have some other reason !  "  " My dear old fellow , " said I , putting my hand on Grandon 'sshoulder , " my time is come at last .  Have n't you remarked what low spirits I have been in since dinner ?  I ca n't bear it for another twenty-four hours !  You know my impulsive sensitive nature .  I must know my fate at once from her own lips .  "  " Whose own lips ?  " said Grandon , with his eyes very wide open .  " Lady Ursula 's, of course !  " I replied .  " I knew her very well as a child , so there is nothing very sudden about it .  " Well , considering you have never seen her since , I do n't quite agree with you , " he said , in a deeper tone than usual .  " In your own interest , wait till you know a little more of her .  "  " Not another day !  Good-night !  " and I turned from him abruptly .  " I 'llput myself out of suspense to-morrow , and keep the public in it for a month , " thought I , as I penned the above for their benefit , after which I indulged in two hours of troubled sleep .  PART II .  MADNESS .  Flityville , March 20 .  As the event which I am about to recount forms the turning-point of my life — unless , indeed , something still more remarkable happens , which I do not at present foresee , to turn me back again — I do not feel that it would be either becoming , or indeed possible , for me to maintain that vein of easy cheerfulness which has characterised my composition hitherto .  What is fun to you , O my reader !  may be death to me ; and nothing can be further from my intention than to excite the smallest tendency to risibility on your part at my misfortunes or trials .  You will already have guessed what these are ; but how to recur to those agonising details , how to present to you the picture of my misery in its true colours , — nothing but the stern determination to carry out my original design , and the conscientious conviction that " the story of my life from month to month " may be made a profitable study to my fellow-men , could induce me in this cold-blooded way to tear open the still unhealed wound .  I came down to breakfast rather late on the morning following the events narrated in the last chapter .  Broadhem and Grandon had already vanished from the scene ; so had Mr Wog , who went up to town to see what he called " the elephant , " — an American expression , signifying " to gain experience of the world .  " The phrase originated in an occurrence at a menagerie , and as upon this occasion Mr Wog applied it to the opening of Parliament , it was not altogether inappropriate .  I found still lingering over the debris of breakfast my host and hostess , Lady Broadhem and her daughters , the Bishop and Chundango .  The latter appeared to be having all the talk to himself , and , to give him his due , his conversation was generally entertaining .  " My dear mother , " he was saying , " still unconverted , has buried all my jewellery in the back verandah .  After I had cleared a million sterling , I divided it into two parts ; with one part I bought jewels , of which my mother is an excellent judge , and the other I put out at interest .  Not forgetting , " with an upward glance , " a sum the interest of which I do not look for here .  "  " Then , did you give all your jewels to your mother ?  " asked Lady Broadhem .  " Oh no ; she is only keeping them till I can bestow them upon the woman I choose for her daughter-in-law .  "  " Are you looking out for her now ?  " I asked , somewhat abruptly .  " Yes , my dear friend , " said John ; " I hope to find in England some Christian young person as a yoke-mate .  "  There was a self-satisfied roll of his eye as he said this , which took away from me all further desire for the bacon and eggs I had just put on my plate .  " Dear Mr Chundango , " said Lady Broadhem , " tell us some of your adventures as a catechist in the Bombay Ghauts .  Did you give up all when you became one ?  Was your family noble ?  and did you undergo much persecution from them ?  "  " The Rajah of Sattara is my first cousin , " said Chundango , unblushingly ; " but they repudiated me when I became a Christian , and deny the relationship .  "  " Are you going up to Convocation ?  " said Dickiefield to the Bishop , to divert attention from Chundango 'slast barefaced assertion .  " I hear they are going to take some further action about the judgment on the ' Essays and Reviews .  ' "  " Yes , " said Joseph ; " and I see there is a chance of three new sees being created .  I should like to talk over the matter with you .  Considering how seriously my health has suffered in the tropics , and how religiously I have adhered to my Liberal opinions in politics even in the most trying climates , it might be worth while — — "  " Excuse me for interrupting you , my dear lord , " said Dickiefield , " but the present Government are not so particular about the political as the theological views of their bishops .  When you remember that the Prime Minister of this country is held morally accountable for the orthodoxy of its religious tenets , you must at once perceive how essential it is , not only that he should be profoundly versed in points of Scriptural doctrine himself , but that he should never appoint a bishop of whose soundness he is not from personal knowledge thoroughly satisfied .  "  " I have no objection to talk over the more disputed points with him , " said the Bishop .  " When do you think he could spare a moment ?  "  " The best plan would be , " replied Dickiefield , with a twinkle in his eye , " to catch him in the lobby of the House some evening when there is nothing particular going on .  What books of reference would you require ?  "  The Bishop named one , when I interrupted him , for I felt Dickiefield had not put the case fairly as regarded the first Minister of the Crown .  " It is not the Premier 'sfault at all , " said I ; " he may be the most liberal theologian possible , but he has nothing to do with doctrine ; that lies in the Chancellor 'sdepartment .  As the supreme arbiter in points of religious belief , and as the largest dispenser of spiritual patronage in the kingdom , it is evident that the qualifications for a Lord Chancellor should be not so much his knowledge of law , as his unblemished moral character and incapacity for perpetrating jobs .  He is , in fact , the principal veterinary surgeon of the ecclesiastical stable , and any man in orders that he ' warrants sound 'cannot be objected to on the score of orthodoxy .  The Prime Minister is just in the same position as the head of any other department , — whoever passes the competitive examination he is bound to accept , but may use his own discretion as to promotion , and , of course , sticks to the traditions of the service .  The fact is , if you go into the Colonial Episcopal line you get over the heads of a lot of men who are steadily plodding on for home promotion , and , of course they do n't think it fair for an outsider to come back again , and cut them out of a palace and the patronage attached to it on the strength of having been a missionary bishop .  It is just the same in the Foreign Office , — if you go out of Europe you get out of the regular line .  However , we shall have the judgment on the Colenso case before long , and , from the little I know of the question , it is possible you may find that you are not legally a bishop at all .  In that case you will have what is far better than any interest — a grievance .  You can say that you were tempted to give up a good living to go to the heathen on false pretences , and they 'llhave to make it up to you .  You could not do better than apply for one of the appointments attached to some cathedrals , called ' Peculiars .  ' I believe that they are very comfortable and independent .  If you will allow me I will write to my solicitor about one .  Lawyers are the men to manage these matters , as they are all in with each other , and every bishop has one attached to him .  "  " Thank you , my lord — my observation was addressed to Lord Dickiefield , " said the Bishop , very stiffly ; for there was an absence of that deference in my tone to which those who love the uppermost seats in the synagogues are accustomed , but which I reserve for some poor labourers who will never be heard of in this world .  " Talking of committees , " I went on , " how confused the Lord Chancellor must be between them all .  He must be very apt to forget when he is ' sitting ' and when he is being ' sat upon .  ' If he had not the clearest possible head , he would be proving to the world that Mr E — — was competent to teach the Zulus theology in spite of the Bishop of Cape Town , and that he was justified in giving Dr Colenso a large retiring pension .  What with having to quote texts in one committee-room , and arithmetic in another , and having to explain the law of God , the law of the land , and his own conduct alternately , it is a miracle that he does not get a softening of the brain .  Depend upon it , " said I , turning to the Bishop , who looked flushed and angry , " that a ' Peculiar ' is a much snugger place than the Woolsack .  "  " Lord Frank , permit me to say , " broke in Lady Broadhem , who had several times vainly endeavoured to interrupt me , " that your manner of treating sacred subjects is most disrespectful and irreverent , and that your allusions to an ecclesiastical stable , ' outsiders , ' and other racing slang , is in the worst possible taste , considering the presence of the Bishop .  "  " Lady Broadhem , " said I , sternly , " when the money-changers were scourged out of the Temple there was no want of reverence displayed towards the service to which it was dedicated ; and it seems to me , that to sell ' the Temple 'itself , whether under the name of an ' advowson , ' a ' living , ' or a ' cure of souls , ' is the very climax of irreverence , not to use a stronger term ; and when the Lord Chancellor brings in an Act for the purpose of facilitating this traffic in 'souls , ' and ' augmenting the benefices 'derived from curing them , I think it is high time , at the risk of giving offence to my friend the Bishop , and to the ecclesiastical establishment generally , to speak out .  What times have we fallen upon that the priesthood itself , once an inspiration , has become a trade ?  " [ 1 ]  Lady Broadhem seemed a little cowed by my vehemence , which some might have thought amounted to rudeness , but would not abandon the field .  " The result , " she said , " of impoverishing the Church will be , that you will only get literates to go into it ; as it is , compared with other professions , it holds out no inducement for young men of family .  Fortunately our own living , being worth — 1200 a-year , always secures us a member of the family , and therefore a gentleman ; but if you did away with them you would not have holier men , but simply worse-bred ones .  I am sure we should not gain by having the Church filled with clergy of the class of Dissenting preachers .  "  " I do n't think you would , any more than the Pharisees would have gained by being reduced to the level of the Sadducees ; not that I would wish to use either term offensively towards the conscientious individuals who were , doubtless , comprised in the above sects in old time , still less as a reproach to the excellent men who fill the churches and chapels of this country now ; but it has possibly not occurred to them that the Churchianity of the present day bears as little resemblance to the Christianity of eighteen hundred years ago , as the latter did to the worship it came to supersede ; " and I felt I had sown seed in the ecclesiastical vineyard , and would leave it to fructify .  " Good fellow , Frank !  " I overheard Dickiefield say , as I left the room ; " it is a pity his head is a little turned !  " " Ah , " I thought , " something is upside down ; perhaps it is my head , but I rather think it is the world generally , including always the religious world .  It seemed to have taken a start in the right direction nearly two thousand years ago , and now it has all slipped back again worse than ever , and is whirling the wrong way with a rapidity that makes one giddy .  I feel more giddy than usual to-day , somehow , " I soliloquised ; " and every time I look at Lady Ursula , I feel exactly as if I had smoked too much .  It ca n't be really that , so I 'lllight a cigar and steady my nerves before I come to the tremendous issue .  She is too sensible to mind my smelling of tobacco .  " These were the thoughts that passed through my somewhat bewildered brain , as I stepped out upon the terrace and lit my cigar .  So far from my nerves becoming steadier , however , under the usually soothing influence , I felt my heart beating more rapidly each time I endeavoured to frame the sentence upon which was to depend the happiness of my life , until at last my resolution gave way altogether , and I determined to put upon paper , in the form of an interrogatory , the momentous question .  A glass door opened from a recess in the drawing-room upon the terrace on which I was walking , and in it , on my former visits , I had been in the daily habit of writing my letters .  It was a snug retreat , with a fire all to itself , a charming view , and a portière which separated it or not from the drawing-room , according to the wish of the occupant .  The first question I had to consider when I put the writing materials before me was , whether I ought to begin , " Dear Lady Ursula , " or , " My dear Lady Ursula .  " I should not have entertained the idea of beginning " My dear , " did I not feel that having known her as a child entitled me to assume a certain intimacy .  However , on further consideration , I adopted the more distant form , and then my real difficulty began .  While looking for an inspiration at the further end of the avenue which stretched from the lawn , I became conscious of a figure moving slowly towards me , which I finally perceived to be that of Lady Broadhem herself .  In my then frame of mind , any escape from my dilemma was a relief , and I instinctively left the still unwritten note and joined her .  " This is a courageous proceeding , Lady Broadhem ; the weather is scarcely mild enough for strolling .  "  " I determined to make sure of some exercise , " she replied , — " the clouds look threatening ; besides , I have a good deal on my mind , and I can always think better when I am walking alone .  "  She put a marked emphasis on the last word , I ca n't imagine why , so I said , " That is just my case .  If you only knew the torture I am enduring , you would not wonder at my wanting to be alone .  As for exercise , it would not be of the slightest use .  "  " Dear me , " said Lady Broadhem , pulling a little box like a card-case out of her pocket , " tell me your exact symptoms , and I 'llgive you some globules .  "  " It is not altogether beyond the power of hom — opathy , " I said , with a sigh .  " Hahnemann was quite right when he adopted as the motto for his system , ' Like cures like , ' It applies to my complaint exactly .  Love will cure love , but not in hom — opathic doses .  "  " How very odd !  I was thinking the very same thing when you joined me .  My dear girls are of course ever uppermost in my mind , and I really am troubled about Ursula .  I think , " she said , looking with a sidelong glance into my face , " I know who is on the point of declaring himself , " and she stopped suddenly , as though she had spoken under some irresistible impulse .  I do n't remember having blushed since I first went to school , but if Lady Broadhem could have seen the colour of my skin under my thick beard , she would have perceived how just her penetration had been .  Still I was a good deal puzzled at the quickness with which she had made a discovery I imagined unknown , even to the object of my affections , to say nothing of the coarseness of her alluding to it to me in that direct manner .  What had I said or done that could have put her on the scent ?  I pondered in vain over the mystery .  My conduct had been most circumspect during the few hours I had been in love ; nothing but the sagacity with which the maternal instinct is endowed could account for it .  " Do you think Lady Ursula returns the affection ?  " said I , timidly .  " Ursula is a dear , well-principled girl , who will make any man who is fortunate enough to win her happy .  I am sure she will be guided by my wishes in the matter .  And now , Lord Frank , I think we have discussed this subject sufficiently .  I have said more , perhaps , than I ought ; but we are such old friends that , although I entirely disagree with your religious opinions , it has been a relief to me even to say thus much .  I trust my anxieties will soon be at an end ; " with which most encouraging speech Lady Broadhem turned towards the house , leaving me overcome with rapture and astonishment , slightly tinged with disgust at finding that the girl I loved was thrown at my head .  I did not delay , when I got back to my recess in the drawing-room , to tear up with a triumphant gesture my note beginning " Dear , " and to commence another , " My dear Lady Ursula .  "  " The conversation which I have just had with Lady Broadhem , " I went on , " encourages me to lose no time in writing to you to explain the nature of those feelings which she seems to have detected almost as soon as they were called into existence , and which gather strength with such rapidity that a sentiment akin to self-preservation urges me not to lose another moment in placing myself and my fortune at your disposal .  If I allude to the latter , it is not because I think such a consideration would influence you in the smallest degree , but because you may not suspect , from my economical habits , the extent of my private resources .  I am well aware that my impulsive nature has led me into an apparent precipitancy in writing thus ; but if I cannot flatter myself that the short time I have passed in your society has sufficed to inspire you with a reciprocal sentiment , Lady Broadhem 'sassurance that I may depend upon your acceding to her wishes in this the most important act of your life , affords me the strongest encouragement .  — Believe me , yours most faithfully ,  " Frank Vanecourt .  "  I have already observed that , when my mind is very deeply absorbed in composition , I become almost insensible to external influences : thus it was not until I had finished my letter , and was reading it over , that I became conscious of sounds in the drawing-room .  I was just thinking that I had got the word " sentiment " twice , and was wondering what I could substitute for that expressive term , when I suppose I must have overheard , for I insensibly found myself signing my name " Jewel .  " Then came the unmistakable sound of Chundango 'svoice mentioning the name dearest to me .  " Remember , Lady Ursula , " said that regenerate pagan , " there are very few men who could offer their brides such a collection of jewels as I can .  Think , that although of a different complexion from yourself , I am of royal blood .  You are surely too enlightened and noble-minded to allow the trivial consideration of colour to influence you .  "  " Mr Chundango , " said Lady Ursula , and I heard the rustle of her dress as she rose from her chair , " you really must excuse me from listening to you any more .  "  " Stop one moment , " said Chundango ; and I suspect he tried to get hold of her hand , for I heard a short quick movement ; " I have not made this proposal without receiving first the sanction of Lady Broadhem .  " " Deceitful old hypocrite " ; thought I , with suppressed fury .  " When I told her ladyship that I would settle a million 'sworth of pounds upon you in jewellery and stock , that my blood was royal , and that all my aspirations were for social distinction , she said she desired no higher qualification .  ' What , dear Mr Chundango , ' she remarked , ' matters the colour of your skin if your blood is pure ?  If your jewellery and your conversion are both genuine , what more could an anxious mother desire for her beloved daughter ?  ' "  " Spare me , I implore you , " said Ursula , in a voice betraying great agitation .  " You do n't know the pain you are giving me .  "  Whether Chundango at this moment fell on his knees , which I do n't think likely , as natives never thus far humble themselves before the sex , or whether he stumbled over a footstool in trying to prevent her leaving the room — which is more probable — I could not discover .  I merely heard a heavy sound and then the door open .  I think the Indian must have hurt himself , as the next time I heard his voice it was trembling with passion .  " Lady Broadhem , " he said — for it appears she it was who had entered the room — " I do not understand Lady Ursula 'sconduct .  I thought obedience to parents was one of the first precepts of the Christian religion ; but when I tell her your wishes on the subject of our marriage , she forbids me to speak .  I will now leave her in your hands , and I hope I shall receive her from them in the evening in another and a better frame of mind ; " and Chundango marched solemnly out and banged the door after him .  " What have you done , Ursula ?  " said Lady Broadhem , in a cold , hard voice .  " I suppose some absurd prejudice about his colour has influenced you in refusing a fortune that few girls have placed at their feet .  He is a man of remarkable ability ; in some lights there is a decided richness in his hue ; and Lord Dickiefield tells me he fully expects to see him some day Under-Secretary for India , and ultimately perhaps in the Cabinet .  Moreover , he is very lavish , and would take a pride in giving you all you could possibly want , and in meeting all our wishes .  He would be most useful to Broadhem , whose property , you know , was dreadfully involved by his father in his young days-in fact , he promised me to pay off — 300 , 000 of the debt upon his personal security , and not ask for any interest for the first few years .  All this you are throwing away for some girlish fancy for some one else .  "  Here my heart bounded .  " Dear girl , " thought I , " she loves me , and I 'llrush in and tell her that I return her passion .  Moreover , I will overwhelm that old woman with confusion for having so grossly deceived me .  " A scarcely audible sob from Lady Ursula decided me , and to the astonishment of mother and daughter I suddenly revealed myself .  Lady Ursula gave a start and a little exclamation , and before I could explain myself , had hurried from the room .  Lady Broadhem confronted me , stern , defiant , and indignant .  " Is it righteous , — Lady Broadhem — — " I began , but she interrupted me .  " My indignation ?  Yes , Lord Frank , it is .  "  " No , Lady Broadhem ; I did not allude to your indignation , which is unjustifiable .  I was about to express my feelings in language which I thought might influence you with reference to the deception you have practised upon me .  You gave me to understand only half an hour ago that you approved of my attachment to your daughter ; you implied that that attachment was returned — indeed , I have just overheard as much from her own lips ; and now you deliberately urge her to ally herself with — the thought is too horrible !  " and I lifted my handkerchief to my eyes to conceal my unaffected emotion .  " Lord Frank , " said Lady Broadhem , calmly , " you had no business to overhear anything ; however , I suppose the state of your feelings must be your excuse .  It seems that we entirely misunderstood each other this morning .  The attachment I then alluded to was the one you have just heard Mr Chundango declare .  I did so , because I thought of asking you to find out some particulars about him which I am anxious to know .  I was utterly ignorant of your having entertained the same feelings for Ursula .  What settlements are you prepared to make ?  "  This question was put so abruptly that a mixed feeling of indignation and contempt completely mastered me .  At these moments I possess the faculty of sublime impertinence .  " I shall make Broadhem a liberal allowance , and settle an annuity upon yourself , which my solicitor will pay you quarterly .  I know the family is poor ; it will give me great pleasure to keep you all .  "  Lady Broadhem 'slips quivered with anger ; but the Duke of Dunderhead 'ssecond son , who had inherited all the Flityville property through his mother , was a fish worth landing , so she controlled her feelings with an effort of self-possession which commanded my highest admiration , and said in a gentle tone as she held out her hand with a subdued smile , —  " Forgive the natural anxiety of a mother , Lord Frank , as I forgive you for that last speech .  " Here she lifted her eyes and remained silent for a few moments , then she sighed deeply .  She meant me to understand by this that she had been permitted to overcome her feelings of resentment towards me , and was now overflowing with Christian charity .  " Dear Lady Broadhem , " I replied , affectionately , for I felt preternaturally intelligent , and ready for the most elaborate maternal strategy , " how thankful we ought to be that on an occasion of this kind we can both so thoroughly command our feelings !  Believe me , your anxiety for your daughter 'swelfare is only equalled by the fervour of my affection for her .  Shall we say — 100 , 000 in stock , and Flityville Park as a dower-house ?  "  " What stock , Lord Frank ?  " asked her ladyship , as she subsided languidly into a chair ; " not Mexicans or Spanish passives , I do most fervently trust .  "  " No , " said I , maliciously ; " nearly all in Confederate and Greek loans .  "  " Oh !  " she ejaculated , with a little scream , as if something had stung her .  " What is the matter , Lady Broadhem ?  " and she looked so unhappy and disconcerted that I had compassion on her .  " I was only joking ; you need be under no apprehension as to the securities — they are as sound as your own theology , and would satisfy the Lord Chancellor quite as well .  "  " Oh , it was not that !  Perhaps some day when you and dear Ursula are married , I will tell you all about it ; for you have my full consent ; and I need not say what an escape I think she has had from that black man .  Entre nous , as it is most important you should understand exactly the situation , I must correct one error into which you have fallen ; she is not in love with you , Lord Frank ; you must expect a little opposition at first ; but that will only add zest to the pursuit , and my wishes will be paramount in the end .  The fact is , but this is a profound secret , your friend Lord Grandon has behaved most improperly in the matter .  He came down on some pretence of instilling his ridiculous notions into Broadhem , who took a fancy to him when we were all staying at Lady Mundane 's, and I strongly opposed it , as I fancied , even then , he was paying Ursula too much attention ; but she has such influence with Broadhem that she carried her point , because , she said , her brother could only get good from him .  What exactly passed at Broadhem I do n't know ; but I was so angry at the idea of an almost penniless Irish peer taking advantage of his opportunities as a visitor to entrap my girl 'saffections , that I told him I expected some people , and should want his bedroom .  He left within an hour , and Ursula declares he never uttered a word which warranted this decisive measure ; but people can do a good deal without ' uttering , ' as she calls it ; and I am quite determined not to let them see anything of each other during the season .  Fortunately Lord Grandon scarcely ever goes out , and Broadhem , whose eyes are opened at last , has promised to watch him .  Whoever Ursula marries must do something for Broadhem .  "  Although I am able to record this speech word for word , I am quite unable to account for the curious psychological fact , that it has become engraven on my memory , while , at the time , I was unconscious of listening to it .  The pattern of the carpet , a particular curl of Lady Broadhem 's" front , " the fact that the clock struck one , are all stamped upon the plate of my internal perceptive faculties with the vividness of a photograph .  The vision of happiness which I had conjured up was changing into a hideous contrast , and reminded me of the Diorama at the Colosseum in my youth , where a fairy landscape , with a pastoral group at lunch in the foreground , became gradually converted into a pandemonium of flames and devils .  I felt borne along by a mighty torrent which was sweeping me from elysian fields into some fathomless abyss .  Love and friendship both coming down together in one mighty crash , and the only thing left standing — Lady Broadhem — right in front of me — a very stern reality indeed .  I do n't the least know the length of time which elapsed between the end of her speech and when I returned to consciousness — probably not many seconds , though it seemed an age .  I gasped for breath , so she kindly came to my relief .  " My dear Lord Frank , " she said , " after all it might have been worse .  Supposing that Lord Grandon had not been your friend , or had not had the absurd Quixotic ideas which I understand he has of the duties of friendship , he might have given you immense trouble ; as it is , I am sure he has only to know the exact state of the case to retire .  I know him quite well enough for that .  I look upon it as providential .  Had it been Mr Chundango , Grandon would most probably have persevered .  Now he is quite capable of doing all he can to help you with Ursula .  "  I groaned in spirit .  How well had Lady Broadhem judged the character of the man to whom she would not give her daughter !  " I am so glad to think , Lady Broadhem , " said I , with a bitter laugh , " that you do not suspect me of such a ridiculous exaggeration of sentiment .  So far from it , it seems to impart a peculiar piquancy to the pursuit when success is only possible at the sacrifice of another 'shappiness ; and when that other is one 'soldest friend , there is a refinement of emotion , a sort of pleasurable pain , which is quite irresistible .  To what element in our nature do you attribute this ?  "  " To original sin , I am afraid , " said Lady Broadhem , looking down , for my manner seemed to puzzle , and make her nervous .  " Oh , it is not at all 'original , ' " said I .  " Whatever other merit it possesses , it ca n't claim originality — it is the commonest thing in the world ; but I think it is an acquired taste at first — it grows upon you like caviar or olives .  I remember some years ago , in Australia , running away with the wife of a charming fellow — — "  " Oh , Lord Frank , Lord Frank , please stop !  Have you repented ?  and where is she ?  "  " No , " I said , " I never intend to repent ; and I 'lltell you where she is after the marriage .  "  At this crisis the demon of recklessness which had sustained me , and prompted the above atrocious falsehood , deserted me suddenly , so I leant against the mantelpiece and sobbed aloud .  I remember deriving a malicious satisfaction from the idea that Lady Broadhem thought I was weeping for my imaginary Australian .  " How very dreadful !  " said she , when I became somewhat calmer .  " We must forget the past , and try and reform ourselves , must n't we ?  " she went on , caressingly ; " but I had no idea that you had passed through a jeunesse orageuse .  Do you know , I think men , when they do steady , are always the better for it .  "  " Well , I hope Lady Ursula may keep me quiet ; nothing else ever has yet .  I suppose you wo n't expect me to go to church ?  "  " We 'lltalk about that after the marriage , to use your own expression , " replied Lady Broadhem , with a smile .  " Because , you know , I am worse than Grandon as regards orthodoxy .  Now , Chundango is so thoroughly sound , do n't you think , after all , that that is the first consideration ?  "  " To tell you the truth — but of course I never breathed it to Ursula — I attach a good deal of importance to colour .  "  " Ah , I see ; you classify us somewhat in this way : first , if you can get it , rich , orthodox , and white ; second , rich , heterdox , and white ; third , rich , orthodox , and black .  Now , in my opinion , to attach any importance whatever to colour is wicked .  My objections to Mr Chundango do not apply to his skin , which is as good as any other , but to his heart , which I am afraid is black .  I prefer a pure heart in a dark skin to a black heart in a white one , " and I looked significantly at her ladyship .  " Supposing that out of friendship for Grandon I should do the absurd thing of withdrawing my pretensions , what would happen ?  "  " I should insist upon Ursula 'smarrying Mr Chundango .  I tell you in confidence , Lord Frank , that pecuniary reasons , which I will explain more fully at another time , render it absolutely necessary that she should marry a man with means within the next six months .  The credit of our whole family is at stake ; but it is impossible for me to enter into details now .  " At this moment the luncheon was announced .  I followed Lady Broadhem mechanically towards the dining-room , but instead of entering it went up-stairs like one in a dream , and ordered my servant to make arrangements for my immediate departure .  I pulled an arm-chair near my bedroom fire , and gazed hopelessly into it .  People call me odd .  I wonder really whether the conflicts of which my brain is the occasional arena are fiercer than those of others .  I wonder whether other people 'sthoughts are as like clouds as mine are — sometimes , when it is stormy , grouping themselves in wild fantastic forms ; sometimes chasing each other through vacancy , for no apparent purpose ; sometimes melting away in " intense inane ; " and again consolidating themselves , black and lowering , till they burst in a passionate explosion .  What are they doing now ?  and I tried in vain to stop the mental kaleidoscope which shifted itself so rapidly that I could not catch one combination of thought before it was succeeded by another ; but always the same prominent figures dodging madly about the chambers of my brain — Chundango , Ursula , Lady Broadhem , and Grandon ; Lady Broadhem , Chundango , Grandon , and Ursula — backwards and forwards , forwards and backwards , like some horrid word that I had to spell in a game of letters , and could never bring right .  Love , friendship , hate , pity , admiration , treachery — more words to spell , ever combining wrongly , and never letting me rest , till I thought something must crack under the strain .  Then mockingly came a voice ringing in my ears — Peace , peace , peace — and I fancied myself lulled to rest in her arms , and I heard the cooing of doves mingle with the soft murmur of her voice as she leant wistfully over me , and I revelled in that most fatal of all nightmares — the nightmare of those who , perishing of hunger and thirst , die of imaginary banquets .  " Sweet illusion , " I said , " dear to me as reality , brood over my troubled spirit , deaden its pain , heal its wounds , and weave around my being this delicious spell for ever .  " Then suddenly , as though my brain had been a magazine into which a spark had fallen , it blazed up ; my hair bristled , and drops stood upon my forehead , for a great fear had fallen upon me .  It had invaded me with the force of an overwhelming torrent , carrying all before it .  It said , " Whence is the calm that soothes you ?  Infatuated dreamer , think you it is the subsiding of the storm , and not rather the lull that precedes it ?  Beware of the sleep of the frozen , from which there is no waking .  " What was this ?  was my mind regaining its balance , or was it going to lose it for ever ?  Most horrid doubt !  the very thought was so much in the scale on the wrong side .  Oh for something to lean upon — some strong stay of common-sense to support me !  I yearned for the practical — some fact on which to build .  " I have got it , " I exclaimed suddenly .  " There must be some osseous matter behind my dura mater !  " I shall never forget the consolation which this notion gave me : it relieved me from any further psychological responsibility , so to speak ; I gave up mental analysis .  I attributed the keen susceptibility of my — sthetic nature to this cause , and accepted it as I would the gout , without a murmur .  Still I needed repose and solitude , so I determined to go to Flityville and arrange my ideas , no longer alarmed at the confusion in which they were , but with the steadfast purpose of disentangling them quietly , as I would an interesting knot .  Hitherto I had been tearing at it madly and making it worse ; now I had got the end of the skein — " osseous matter " — and would soon unravel it .  So I descended calmly to the drawing-room .  I found it empty , but it occurred to me I had left my letter to Lady Ursula in the recess , and in the agitation attending my interview with Lady Broadhem , had forgotten to go back for it .  I pushed back the portière , and saw seated at the writing-table Lady Ursula herself .  She looked pale and nervous , while I felt overwhelmed with confusion and embarrassment .  This was the more trying , as many years have elapsed since I have experienced any such sensations .  " Oh , you do n't happen to have seen a letter lying about anywhere , do you , Lady Ursula ?  " said I .  " It ought to be under your hand , for I left it exactly on that spot .  "  " No , " she said ; " I found mamma writing here when I came , and she took a packet of letters away with her ; perhaps she put yours among them by mistake .  She will be back from her drive almost immediately .  "  " I hope so , " said I .  " I should be sorry to leave without seeing her .  "  " To leave , Lord Frank !  I thought you were going to stay till Monday .  " She looked up rather appealingly , I thought , as if my presence would have been a satisfaction to her under the circumstances ; and I saw , as I returned her steady earnest gaze , that she little guessed the purport of the missing letter .  At that moment my head began to swim , and the figures to dance about in my brain again .  Chundango and Grandon seemed locked in a death-struggle , and Ursula , with dishevelled hair , trying to separate them , while Lady Broadhem , in the background , was clapping her hands and urging them on .  I seemed spinning round the group with such rapidity that I was obliged to steady myself with one hand against the back of Lady Ursula 'schair .  " What 'sthe matter ?  what 'sthe matter , Lord Frank ?  " she exclaimed .  " Osseous matter , osseous matter , " I murmured mechanically , and it sounded so like an echo of her words that I am sure she thought me going mad .  Should I throw myself at her feet and tell her all ?  If she would only trample upon me and my feelings together , it would be a luxury compared to the agony of self-control I was inflicting upon myself .  If I could only pour myself out in a torrent of passionate expression , and wind up with a paroxysm of tears , she was welcome to treat me as a raving lunatic , but I should be much less likely to become one .  But how , knowing what I did , could I face Grandon afterwards ?  Before that fatal conversation with Lady Broadhem , I should have had the satisfaction of hearing my fate from Lady Ursula herself , and I know that she would have treated me so tenderly that rejection would have been a thousand times preferable to this .  She would have known then the intensity of my affection , she would have heard from my own lips the burning words with which I would have pleaded my cause , and , whatever might have been the result , would have pitied and felt for me .  Now , if I say nothing , and Lady Broadhem tells her when I am gone that she considers us engaged , what will Ursula think of me ?  Again , if Lady Broadhem thinks I am really going to do what my conscience urges , and sacrifice myself for Grandon , then , poor girl , she will be sacrificed to Chundango .  Nothing but misery will come out of that double event : if I do what is right , it will bring misery ; if I do what is wrong , it will bring misery too , — that is one consolation — it makes the straight and narrow path easier .  The only difficulty is , I ca n't find it — and standing here with my hand on her chair , my head swimming , and Lady Ursula looking anxiously up at me , I am not likely to find it .  " Lord Frank , do let me ring the bell and send for a glass of water , " she said at last .  " Thanks , no ; the fact is , that letter I have lost causes me the greatest anxiety , and when I thought what the consequences might be of its going astray I felt a little faint for a moment .  "  " Dear me , " said Lady Ursula , kindly , " I will make mamma look for it at once , and I am sure if it is a matter in which my sympathy could be of any use , you will appreciate my motive in offering it ; but I do think in this world people might be of so much more use to each other than they are , if they would only trust one another , and believe in the sincerity of friendship .  Although you did try to shock me last night , " she said , with a smile , " I have heard so much of you from Lord Grandon , and know how kind and good you are , although he says you are too enthusiastic and too fond of paradoxes , but I assure you I consider you quite an old friend .  You remember , years ago , when I was a little girl , how you used to gallop about with me on my pony in the park at Broadhem ?  You wo n't think me inquisitive , I am sure , in saying this , but there are moments sometimes when it is a relief to find a listener to the history of one 'stroubles .  "  " But when , by a curious fatality , that listener is the cause of them all , these moments are not likely to arrive , " I thought , but did not say .  Is it not enough to love a woman to distraction , and be obliged by every principle of honour to conceal it from her , without her pressing upon you her sympathy , and inviting your confidence ?  and the very tenderness which had prompted her speech rose up against her in judgment in my mind .  So ready with her friendship , too !  Should I tell her bitterly that she was the only being in the whole world whose friendship could aggravate my misery ?  Should I congratulate her upon the ingenuity she had displayed in thus torturing me ?  or should I revenge myself by giving her the confidence she asked , and requesting her to advise me how to act under the circumstances ?  Then I looked at the gentle earnest face , and my heart melted .  My troubles !  Do I not know too well what hers are ?  Perhaps it would be a relief to her to hear , that if worse comes to worst , she can always escape Chundango by falling back upon me .  If she is driven to begging me to offer myself up on her shrine , what a very willing sacrifice she would find me !  As she knows that I must have overheard what passed between her and Chundango this morning , shall I make a counter-proposition of mutual confidence , and allude delicately to that most painful episode !  If she is generous enough to forget her own troubles and think of me , why should not I forget mine and think of her ?  The idea of this contradiction in terms struck me as so exquisitely ludicrous , that I laughed aloud .  " Ha !  ha !  ha !  Lady Ursula , if you only knew what a comic aspect that last kind speech of yours has given to the whole affair .  Do n't think me ungrateful or rude , but — ha !  ha !  ha !  " Here I went off again .  " When once my sense of humour is really touched , I always seem to see the point of a joke to quite a painful degree .  Upon two occasions I have suffered from fits after punning , and riddles always make me hysterical ; but I assure you , you unconsciously made a joke just now when you asked me to tell you exactly what I felt , which I shall remember as long as I live , for it will certainly be the death of me — ha !  ha !  ha !  " But Lady Ursula had risen from her chair and rung the bell before I had finished my speech , and I was still laughing when the servant came into the room , followed by Lady Broadhem and Lady Bridget .  " Dear me , " said Lady Broadhem , with her most winning smile , " how very merry you are !  — at least Lord Frank is .  You seem a little pale , dear , " turning to Ursula ; " what is the matter ?  "  " Oh , nothing , mamma .  Lord Frank has been looking for a letter in the recess .  You do n't happen to have put it up with yours , do you ?  "  " No , my dear , I think not , " said Lady Broadhem , looking through a bundle .  " Who was it to , Lord Frank , if you will pardon my curiosity ?  I shall find it more easily if you will give me the address .  "  " Nobody in particular , " said I , " so it does not matter ; you can keep it and read it .  It is a riddle ; that is what has been amusing us so much .  Lady Ursula has been making such absurd attempts to guess it .  Good-bye , Lady Broadhem .  Here is the servant come to say that my fly is at the door .  "  " Good gracious !  Why , where are you going ?  " said she , evidently imagining that her daughter and I had had some thrilling episode , and that I was going away in a huff , so I determined to mystify her still more .  " Oh , only to Flityville to get everything ready ; you know what a state the place is in .  Now , " and I looked tenderly into the amazed face of Lady Ursula , " I shall indeed have an object in putting it in order , and I shall expect you and Lady Ursula to come some day soon and suggest the improvements .  I have only one request to make before leaving , and I do so , Lady Ursula , in the presence of your mother and sister ; and that is , that until I see you again , the subject of our conversation just now may never be alluded to between yourselves .  Trust in me , Lady Broadhem , " I said , taking her hand affectionately , " and promise me you will not ask Lady Ursula what I have just told her ; if you do , " I whispered , " you will spoil all , " and I looked happy and mysterious .  " Do you promise ?  "  " I do , " said Lady Broadhem .  " And now , Lady Ursula , " I said , crossing over to her and taking her hand , " once more good-bye , and " — I went on in so low a tone that it was impossible for Lady Broadhem to overhear it , but it made her feel sure that all was arranged between us — " you have got the most terrible secret of my life .  I know I can trust you .  You have seen me " — and I formed the word with my lips rather than uttered it with my breath — " MAD !  Hush !  " for Lady Ursula gave a quick exclamation , and almost fainted with alarm ; " I am myself again now .  Remember my happiness is in your keeping " — this out loud for Lady Broadhem 'sbenefit .  " I am going to say good-bye to Lady Dickiefield , and you shall hear from me when I can receive you at Flityville .  "  I am endowed with a somewhat remarkable faculty , which I have not been in the habit of alluding to , partly because my friends think me ridiculous if I do , and partly because I never could see any use in it , but I do nevertheless possess the power of seeing in the dark .  Not after the manner of cats — the objects which actually exist — but images which sometimes appear as the condensations of a white misty-looking substance , and sometimes take a distinctly bright luminous appearance .  As I gaze into absolute darkness , I first see a cloud , which gradually seems to solidify into a shape , either of an animal or some definite object .  In the case of the more brilliant image , the appearance is immediate and evanescent .  It comes and goes like a flash , and the subject is generally significant and beautiful .  Perhaps some of my readers may be familiar with this phenomenon , and may account for it as being the result of what they call imagination , which is only putting the difficulty one step back ; or may adopt the wiser course which I have followed , and not endeavour to account for it at all .  Whatever be its origin , the fact remains , and I only advert to it now , as it is the best illustration I can think of to describe the mental process through which I passed in the train on my way to Flityville .  My mind seemed at first a white mist — a blank sheet of paper .  My interview with Lady Ursula had produced this effect upon it .  Gradually , and quite unconsciously to myself , so far as any mental effort was concerned , my thoughts seemed to condense into a definite plan of action ; now and then a brilliant idea would appear like a flash , and vanish sometimes before I could catch it ; but in so far as the complication in which Grandon , Ursula , the Broadhem family , and myself were concerned , I seemed to see my way , or at all events to feel sure that my way would be shown to me , if I let my inspirations guide me .  When once one achieves this thorough confidence in one 'sinspirations , the journey of life becomes simplified .  You never wonder what is round the next corner , and begin to prepare for unknown contingencies ; but you wait till the corner is turned , and the contingency arrives , and passively allow your mind to crystallise itself into a plan of action .  At this moment , of course , I have no more notion what is going to happen to me than you have .  Divest your mind , my friend , that I know anything more of the plot of this story of my life which you are reading than you do .  I positively have not the slightest idea what either I or any of the ladies and gentlemen to whom I have introduced you are likely to do , or how it is all going to end .  I have told you the mental process under which I act ; and , of course , this is the mere record of those inspirations .  Very often the most unlikely things occur to me all of a sudden : thus , while my mind was , as it were , trifling with the events which I have recounted , and throwing them into a variety of combinations , it flashed upon me in the most irrelevant manner that I would send — 4000 anonymously to the Bishop of London 'sfund .  In another second the unconscious train of thought which led me to this determination revealed itself .  " Here , " said I , " have I been attacking this poor colonial bishop and the Establishment to which he belongs , and what have I given him in return ?  I expose the abuses of his theological and ecclesiastical system , but I provide him with no remedy .  I fling one big stone at the crystal palace in which Protestantism is shrivelling away , and another big stone at the crystal palace in which Catholicism is rotting , and I offer them in exchange the cucumber-frame under which I am myself squatting uncomfortably .  I owe them an apology .  Unfortunately I have not yet found either the man or the body of men who do not prefer hard cash to an apology — provided , of course , it be properly proportioned to the susceptibility of their feelings or the delicacy of their sense of honour .  Fairly , now , " I asked myself , " if it was put to the Bench of Bishops , would they consider — 5000 sufficient to compensate the Church for the expressions I made use of to one of their order ?  " " More than sufficient , " myself replied .  " Then we will make it four thousand .  " But the whole merit of the action lies in the anonymous , and so nobody knows till they read this who it was made that munificent donation .  That I should have afterwards changed my mind , and answered the advertisement of the committee , which appeared in the " agony " column of the ' Times , ' who wanted to know how I wished the money applied , by a request that it should be paid back to my account at the Bank , does not affect the question ; I merely wished to show the nature of my impulses , and the readiness with which I act upon them .  Some days elapsed after my arrival at Flityville before I felt moved to write to Grandon .  The fact is , I was writing this record of my trials for the world in general , and did not know what to say to him in particular .  At length , feeling that I owed him an explanation , I wrote as follows : —  " Flityville , March 19 .  " You are doubtless surprised , my dear fellow , " I began , " at my turning myself into a hermit at this most inopportune season of the year ; but the fact is , that shortly after you left Dickiefield , I became so deeply impressed with the responsibility of the great work I had undertaken , that I perceived that a period of retirement and repose was absolutely necessary with a view to the elaboration of some system which should enable me to grapple with the great moral and social questions upon which I am engaged .  " Diverting my anxious gaze from Christendom generally , I concentrated it upon my own country , in the hope that I might discover the root of its disease .  Morbid activity of the national brain , utterly deranged action of the national heart .  Those were the symptoms — unmistakable .  Proximate cause also not difficult to arrive at .  Due to the noxious influence of tall chimneys upon broad acres , whereby the commercial effluvium of the Plutocracy has impregnated the upper atmosphere , and overpowered the enfeebled and enervated faculties of the aristocracy ; lust of gain has supervened upon love of ease .  Hence the utter absence of those noble and generous impulses which are the true indications of healthy national life .  Expediency has taken the place of principle ; conscience has been crushed out of the system by calculation .  The life-blood of the country , instead of bounding along its veins , creeps sluggishly through them , till it threatens to stagnate altogether , and congestion becomes imminent .  " Looked at from what I may term 'externals , ' we simply present to the world at large the ignoble spectacle of a nation of usurers trembling over our money-bags ; looked at from internals , I perceive that we are suffering from a moral opiate , to the action of which I attribute the unhappy complaints that I have endeavoured to describe .  This pernicious narcotic has been absorbed by us for hundreds of years unsuspected and unperceived under the guise of a popular theology .  We have become so steeped in the insane delusion , now many centuries old , that we are a Christian nation , that I anticipate with dread the reaction which will take place when men awaken to the true character of the religious quackery with which they have been duped , and , overlooking in their frenzy the distinction which exists between ancient and modern Christianity , will repudiate the former with horror , which , after all , does not deserve to be condemned , for it has never yet been tried as a political system in any country .  Individuals only profess to be theoretically governed by it .  Nor would it be possible , as society is at present constituted , for any man to carry out its principles in daily life .  That any statesman would be instantly ruined who should openly announce that he intended to govern the country on purely Christian principles , may be made clear to the simplest comprehension .  For instance , imagine our Foreign Minister getting up in the House of Commons and justifying his last stroke of foreign policy upon the ground that we should ' love our neighbours better than ourselves , or penning a despatch to any power that we felt ' persecuted ' by blessing it .  When do we even do good to anybody in our national capacity , much less to them 'that hate us ' ?  We certainly pray like Chinamen when we want to propitiate an angry Deity about the cattle-plague ; but who ever heard of ' a form of prayer to be used ' for nations 'who despitefully use us .  ' Fancy the Chancellor of the Exchequer informing us that instead of laying up for the nation treasures upon earth , he proposed realising all that the country possessed and giving it to the poor .  Christian Churchmen and statesmen do not therefore sufficiently believe in the power and efficacy of the Christian moral code to trust the nation to it alone .  Hence they have invented ecclesiastical organisations and theological dogmas as anodynes ; and the people have been lulled into security by the singular notion , that if they supported the one and professed to believe in the other , they were different from either Mohammedans or Bhuddists .  In a word , it is the curse of England that its intellect can see truths which its heart will not embody .  The more I think of it the more I am disposed to risk the assertion , that if , as is supposed , the moral code called Christian is divine , it is only not practicable , literally , by the nation for lack of national heart-faith .  I tell you this in confidence , for I am already considered so wild and visionary upon all these matters , and so thoroughly unsound , that I should not like it to be generally known , for fear of its injuring my political prospects .  In the mean time it will very much assist me in arriving at some of my conclusions , if you will kindly procure for me , from any leading member of the Legislature , lay or clerical , answers to the following questions : —  " First , Whether Jonah could possibly have had anything to say to Nineveh which would not apply with equal force to this Christian metropolis ?  — and if so , What ?  " Second , Specify the sins which were probably committed in Chorazin or Bethsaida , but which have not yet been perpetrated in London .  " Third , As statecraft ( assisted by priestcraft ) consists not in making the State better but richer , explain why it is easier for a collection of rich men — called a nation — to be saved , than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle , but not so easy for one man .  " Fourth , Does the saying that the love of money is the root of all evil apply to a nation as well as to an individual ?  — and if not , how does it happen that the more we accumulate wealth , the more we increase poverty and misery and crime ?  " That is enough for the present .  But oh !  what a string of questions I could propound to these stumbling pagans , stupefied by the fatuous superstition that their country is safer than other countries which have come to judgment , because they are called by a particular name !  Is there among them all not the faintest consciousness of an impending doom ?  or is the potency of the drug such that it is impossible to raise a cry loud enough to rouse them ?  Why will they go on vainly trying to solve the impossible problem of Government , never seeing that whatever system is introduced is merely a rearrangement of sinners ; that voters are like cards — the more you shuffle them the dirtier they get ; and that it is of no use agitating for a reform in the franchise without first agitating for a reform in the consciences of those who are to exercise it , and in the fundamental principles of the policy upon which we are to be governed .  " Wisely saith the greatest poet of the age , as yet , alas !  unknown to fame : —  " Reformers fail because they change the letter ,  And not the spirit , of the world 'sdesign .  Tyrant and slave create the scourge and fetter —  As is the worshipper , will be the shrine .  The ideal fails , though perfect were the plan ,  World-harmony springs through the perfect man .  We burn out life in hot impatient striving ;  We dash ourselves against the hostile spears :  The bale-tree , that our naked hands are riving ,  Unites to crush us .  Ere our manhood 'syears ,  We sow the rifled blossoms of the prime ,  Then fruitlessly are gathered out of time .  We seek to change souls all unripe for changes ;  We build upon a treacherous human soil  Of moral quicksand , and the world avenges  Its crime upon us , while we vainly toil .  In the black coal-pit of the popular heart  Rain falls , light kindles , but no flowers upstart .  Know this !  For men of ignoble affection ,  The social scheme that is , were better far  Than the orbed sun 'smost exquisite perfection ,  Man needs not heaven till he revolves a star .  Why seek to win the mad world from its strife ?  Grow perfect in the sanity of life .  " [ 2 ]  " Ah , my dear friend !  how often , from my humble seat below the gangway , have I gazed upon the Treasury Bench , and wondered how it was that right hon. gentlemen , struggling to retain their dignity by sitting on each other 'sknees , did not perceive that the reason why great reforms perpetually fail is , not because they have not their root in some radical injustice — not because the despotisms against which they rise are in themselves right — but because those who attempt to inaugurate new and better conditions upon the surfaces of society are themselves , for the most part , desolate , darkened , and chaotic within !  I am under the impression , therefore , that no reform-agitation will ever do good which is not preceded by an agitation , throughout the length and breadth of the land , in favour of the introduction , for the first time , of this old original moral code , not merely into the government of the country , but into the life of every individual .  Unless that is done , and done speedily , those who are now morally stupefied will die in their torpor , and the rest who are harmless lunatics will become gibbering and shrieking demoniacs .  —  Yours affectionately ,  " F .  V. "  I had become so absorbed by the train of considerations into which I had been led , that I never thought of mentioning to Grandon the circumstances which attended my departure from Dickiefield .  It was not until after I had posted my letter that it occurred to me how singular , considering the last words which passed between us , this silence would appear .  If to be odd has its drawbacks , it also has its advantages ; and I felt that Grandon would be as unable to draw any conclusions from my silence as from any other erratic act of my life .  After all , what could I have said ?  It will be time , I thought , to venture upon that very delicate ground when I get his reply .  But this I was destined never to receive , and the questions I had propounded are likely to remain unanswered , for on the very next day I received the following telegram from Lady Broadhem : —  " Your immediate presence here is absolutely necessary . Delay will be fatal . " Mary Broadhem . " Grosvenor Square , 20th March . "  PART III .  SUICIDE .  Piccadilly , April .  Considering the extent to which I have been digressing , it will be perhaps desirable , before I plunge again into the stormy current of my narrative , to define in a few words what , in the language of diplomacy , is termed " the situation .  " After I have done so , I shall feel much obliged if you will kindly " grasp " it .  Briefly , it is as follows : I am telegraphed for in frantic terms by an old lady who is under the firm impression that I am engaged to be married to her daughter .  I am violently in love with that daughter , but for certain reasons I have felt it my duty to account for my extraordinary conduct by informing her confidentially that I have occasional fits of temporary insanity .  That daughter , I am positively assured by her mother , is no less violently attached to my most dear and intimate friend .  My most dear and intimate friend returns the affection .  Mamma threatens that if I do not marry her daughter , rather than allow my most dear and intimate friend to do so , she will ally the young lady to an affluent native of Bombay .  So much is known .  On the following points I am still in the dark : —  First , What on earth does Lady Broadhem mean by telling me to come immediately , as delay may be fatal ?  — to whom ?  to me or to Lady Ursula , or herself ?  My knowledge of her ladyship induces me to incline towards the latter hypothesis ; the suspense is , however , none the less trying .  Second , Does Lady Ursula imagine that I know how she and Grandon feel towards each other ?  Third , Is Grandon under the impression that I have actually proposed and been accepted by Lady Ursula ?  Fourth , Does my conduct occasionally amount to something more than eccentricity or not ?  Fifth — and this was very unpleasant — Shall I find Grandon at our joint abode ?  And if so , what shall I say to him ?  Sixth , Have Grandon and Lady Ursula met , and did anything pass between them ?  Thank goodness Grandon was at the House .  So , after a hurried toilet , I went on to Grosvenor Square .  The young ladies were both out .  Lady Bridget had taken advantage of the chaperonage of a newly-married rather fast female cousin , to go to a ball .  Lady Ursula had gone to a solitary tea with a crabbed old aunt .  Lady Broadhem was in her own sitting-room , lying on a couch behind a table covered with papers .  She looked wearily up when I entered , and held out a thin hand for me to do what I liked with .  " How good of you to come , dear Frank !  " she said .  It was the first time she had ever called me Frank , and I knew she expected me to acknowledge it by pressing her fingers , so I squeezed them affectionately .  " Broadhem said if I wanted to make sure of you I ought to have brought Ursula 'sname into the telegraph , but I told him her mother 'swould do as well .  "  " What does the — — " I am afraid I mentally said ' old girl ' — " want , I wonder ?  It must be really serious , or she would have shammed agitation .  There is something about this oily calm which is rather portentous .  Then she has taken care to have every member of the family out of the house .  What is she ringing the bell for now ?  "  " Tell Lady Ursula when she comes home that I am engaged particularly , and will come up and see her in her bedroom before she goes to bed , " said Lady Broadhem to the servant who answered it .  " Does not Lady Ursula know of my having come to town in answer to your summons ?  " I asked .  " No , dear child ; why should I inflict my troubles upon her ?  Even Broadhem , to whom I was obliged to speak more openly , only suspects the real state of the case .  I have reserved my full confidence for my future son-in-law .  "  I lifted up my eyes with a rapturous expression , and played with a paper-knife .  She wanted me to help her on with an obvious remark , which I declined to make ; so , after a pause , she went on , with a deep sigh , — —  " What sad news we keep on getting of those poor dear Confederates , Frank !  "  " Let us hope they will recover , " said I , encouragingly .  " Oh , but they do keep on falling so , it is quite dreadful .  "  " There was no great number of them fell at Wilmington .  "  " How stupid I am !  " she said ; " my poor mind gets quite bewildered .  I was thinking of stock , not men ; they went down again three more yesterday , and my broker declines altogether to carry them on from one account to another any more .  I bought at 60 , and they have done nothing but go down ever since .  I generally go by Lord Staggerton 'sadvice , and he recommended me to sell a bear some months ago ; but that stupid little Spiffy Goldtip insisted that it was only a temporary depression , and now he says how could he know that President Davis would replace Johnston by Hood .  "  " Very tiresome of Davis : but you should have employed more than one broker , " I remarked .  " Persons of limited capital and speculative tendencies should operate mysteriously .  Your right hand should not know what your left hand is doing .  "  " Hush , Frank !  you can surely be business-like without being profane .  I was completely in Spiffy 'shands ; Lady Mundane told me she always let him do for her , and " — here Lady Broadhem lowered her voice — " I know he has access to the best sources of information .  I used to employ Staggerton , but he is so selfish that he never told me the best things ; besides which , of course , I was obliged to have him constantly to dinner ; and his great delight was always to say things which were calculated to shock my religious friends .  Moreover , he has lately been doing more as a promoter of new companies than in buying and selling .  Now Spiffy is so very useful in society , and has so much tact , that although there are all kinds of stories against him , still I did not think there was any sufficient reason to shut him out of the house .  There was quite a set made against the poor little man at one time — worldly people are so hard and uncharitable ; so , partly for the sake of his aunt , Lady Spiffington , who was my dear friend , and partly , indeed , because Staggerton had really become useless and intolerable , I put my affairs entirely into Spiffy 'shands .  "  " And the result is ?  " I asked .  " That I must pay up — 27 , 000 to-morrow , " said Lady Broadhem , with the impenitent sigh of a hardened criminal .  " You should have kept his lordship to act as a check on the Honourable Spiffington , " I said ; " but I cannot advise now , unless I know everything .  "  A faint tinge suffused Lady Broadhem 'scheek as she said , " What more do you want to know ?  "  " Exactly what money you possess , and exactly how it is invested .