Joseph Conrad  THE SHADOW-LINE  A CONFESSION  “ Worthy of my undying regard ”  London + Toronto  J .  M .  Dent + Sons Ltd  Paris : J.M. Dent et fils  To  BORYS AND ALL OTHERS  who like himself have crossed  in early youth the shadow-line  of their generation  WITH LOVE  PART ONE  I  — D’autre fois , calme plat , grand miroir De mon desespoir .  — BAUDELAIRE  Only the young have such moments .  I don’t mean the very young .  No. The very young have , properly speaking , no moments .  It is the privilege of early youth to live in advance of its days in all the beautiful continuity of hope which knows no pauses and no introspection .  One closes behind one the little gate of mere boyishness — and enters an enchanted garden .  Its very shades glow with promise .  Every turn of the path has its seduction .  And it isn’t because it is an undiscovered country .  One knows well enough that all mankind had streamed that way .  It is the charm of universal experience from which one expects an uncommon or personal sensation — a bit of one’s own .  One goes on recognizing the landmarks of the predecessors , excited , amused , taking the hard luck and the good luck together — the kicks and the half-pence , as the saying is — the picturesque common lot that holds so many possibilities for the deserving or perhaps for the lucky .  Yes .  One goes on .  And the time , too , goes on — till one perceives ahead a shadow-line warning one that the region of early youth , too , must be left behind .  This is the period of life in which such moments of which I have spoken are likely to come .  What moments ?  Why , the moments of boredom , of weariness , of dissatisfaction .  Rash moments .  I mean moments when the still young are inclined to commit rash actions , such as getting married suddenly or else throwing up a job for no reason .  This is not a marriage story .  It wasn’t so bad as that with me .  My action , rash as it was , had more the character of divorce — almost of desertion .  For no reason on which a sensible person could put a finger I threw up my job — chucked my berth — left the ship of which the worst that could be said was that she was a steamship and therefore , perhaps , not entitled to that blind loyalty which .  .  .  .  However , it’s no use trying to put a gloss on what even at the time I myself half suspected to be a caprice .  It was in an Eastern port .  She was an Eastern ship , inasmuch as then she belonged to that port .  She traded among dark islands on a blue reef-scarred sea , with the Red Ensign over the taffrail and at her masthead a house-flag , also red , but with a green border and with a white crescent in it .  For an Arab owned her , and a Syed at that .  Hence the green border on the flag .  He was the head of a great House of Straits Arabs , but as loyal a subject of the complex British Empire as you could find east of the Suez Canal .  World politics did not trouble him at all , but he had a great occult power amongst his own people .  It was all one to us who owned the ship .  He had to employ white men in the shipping part of his business , and many of those he so employed had never set eyes on him from the first to the last day .  I myself saw him but once , quite accidentally on a wharf — an old , dark little man blind in one eye , in a snowy robe and yellow slippers .  He was having his hand severely kissed by a crowd of Malay pilgrims to whom he had done some favour , in the way of food and money .  His alms-giving , I have heard , was most extensive , covering almost the whole Archipelago .  For isn’t it said that “ The charitable man is the friend of Allah ” ?  Excellent ( and picturesque ) Arab owner , about whom one needed not to trouble one’s head , a most excellent Scottish ship — for she was that from the keep up — excellent sea-boat , easy to keep clean , most handy in every way , and if it had not been for her internal propulsion , worthy of any man’s love , I cherish to this day a profound respect for her memory .  As to the kind of trade she was engaged in and the character of my shipmates , I could not have been happier if I had had the life and the men made to my order by a benevolent Enchanter .  And suddenly I left all this .  I left it in that , to us , inconsequential manner in which a bird flies away from a comfortable branch .  It was as though all unknowing I had heard a whisper or seen something .  Well — perhaps !  One day I was perfectly right and the next everything was gone — glamour , flavour , interest , contentment — everything .  It was one of these moments , you know .  The green sickness of late youth descended on me and carried me off .  Carried me off that ship , I mean .  We were only four white men on board , with a large crew of Kalashes and two Malay petty officers .  The Captain stared hard as if wondering what ailed me .  But he was a sailor , and he , too , had been young at one time .  Presently a smile came to lurk under his thick iron-gray moustache , and he observed that , of course , if I felt I must go he couldn’t keep me by main force .  And it was arranged that I should be paid off the next morning .  As I was going out of his cabin he added suddenly , in a peculiar wistful tone , that he hoped I would find what I was so anxious to go and look for .  A soft , cryptic utterance which seemed to reach deeper than any diamond-hard tool could have done .  I do believe he understood my case .  But the second engineer attacked me differently .  He was a sturdy young Scot , with a smooth face and light eyes .  His honest red countenance emerged out of the engine-room companion and then the whole robust man , with shirt sleeves turned up , wiping slowly the massive fore-arms with a lump of cotton-waste .  And his light eyes expressed bitter distaste , as though our friendship had turned to ashes .  He said weightily : “ Oh !  Aye !  I’ve been thinking it was about time for you to run away home and get married to some silly girl .  ”  It was tacitly understood in the port that John Nieven was a fierce misogynist ; and the absurd character of the sally convinced me that he meant to be nasty — very nasty — had meant to say the most crushing thing he could think of .  My laugh sounded deprecatory .  Nobody but a friend could be so angry as that .  I became a little crestfallen .  Our chief engineer also took a characteristic view of my action , but in a kindlier spirit .  He was young , too , but very thin , and with a mist of fluffy brown beard all round his haggard face .  All day long , at sea or in harbour , he could be seen walking hastily up and down the after-deck , wearing an intense , spiritually rapt expression , which was caused by a perpetual consciousness of unpleasant physical sensations in his internal economy .  For he was a confirmed dyspeptic .  His view of my case was very simple .  He said it was nothing but deranged liver .  Of course !  He suggested I should stay for another trip and meantime dose myself with a certain patent medicine in which his own belief was absolute .  “ I’ll tell you what I’ll do .  I’ll buy you two bottles , out of my own pocket .  There .  I can’t say fairer than that , can I ?  ”  I believe he would have perpetrated the atrocity ( or generosity ) at the merest sign of weakening on my part .  By that time , however , I was more discontented , disgusted , and dogged than ever .  The past eighteen months , so full of new and varied experience , appeared a dreary , prosaic waste of days .  I felt — how shall I express it ?  — that there was no truth to be got out of them .  What truth ?  I should have been hard put to it to explain .  Probably , if pressed , I would have burst into tears simply .  I was young enough for that .  Next day the Captain and I transacted our business in the Harbour Office .  It was a lofty , big , cool , white room , where the screened light of day glowed serenely .  Everybody in it — the officials , the public — were in white .  Only the heavy polished desks gleamed darkly in a central avenue , and some papers lying on them were blue .  Enormous punkahs sent from on high a gentle draught through that immaculate interior and upon our perspiring heads .  The official behind the desk we approached grinned amiably and kept it up till , in answer to his perfunctory question , “ Sign off and on again ?  ” my Captain answered , “ No !  Signing off for good .  ” And then his grin vanished in sudden solemnity .  He did not look at me again till he handed me my papers with a sorrowful expression , as if they had been my passports for Hades .  While I was putting them away he murmured some question to the Captain , and I heard the latter answer good-humouredly :  “ No. He leaves us to go home .  ”  “ Oh !  ” the other exclaimed , nodding mournfully over my sad condition .  I didn’t know him outside the official building , but he leaned forward the desk to shake hands with me , compassionately , as one would with some poor devil going out to be hanged ; and I am afraid I performed my part ungraciously , in the hardened manner of an impenitent criminal .  No homeward-bound mail-boat was due for three or four days .  Being now a man without a ship , and having for a time broken my connection with the sea — become , in fact , a mere potential passenger — it would have been more appropriate perhaps if I had gone to stay at an hotel .  There it was , too , within a stone’s throw of the Harbour Office , low , but somehow palatial , displaying its white , pillared pavilions surrounded by trim grass plots .  I would have felt a passenger indeed in there !  I gave it a hostile glance and directed my steps toward the Officers’ Sailors’ Home .  I walked in the sunshine , disregarding it , and in the shade of the big trees on the esplanade without enjoying it .  The heat of the tropical East descended through the leafy boughs , enveloping my thinly-clad body , clinging to my rebellious discontent , as if to rob it of its freedom .  The Officers’ Home was a large bungalow with a wide verandah and a curiously suburban-looking little garden of bushes and a few trees between it and the street .  That institution partook somewhat of the character of a residential club , but with a slightly Governmental flavour about it , because it was administered by the Harbour Office .  Its manager was officially styled Chief Steward .  He was an unhappy , wizened little man , who if put into a jockey’s rig would have looked the part to perfection .  But it was obvious that at some time or other in his life , in some capacity or other , he had been connected with the sea .  Possibly in the comprehensive capacity of a failure .  I should have thought his employment a very easy one , but he used to affirm for some reason or other that his job would be the death of him some day .  It was rather mysterious .  Perhaps everything naturally was too much trouble for him .  He certainly seemed to hate having people in the house .  On entering it I thought he must be feeling pleased .  It was as still as a tomb .  I could see no one in the living rooms ; and the verandah , too , was empty , except for a man at the far end dozing prone in a long chair .  At the noise of my footsteps he opened one horribly fish-like eye .  He was a stranger to me .  I retreated from there , and crossing the dining room — a very bare apartment with a motionless punkah hanging over the centre table — I knocked at a door labelled in black letters : “ Chief Steward .  ”  The answer to my knock being a vexed and doleful plaint : “ Oh , dear !  Oh , dear !  What is it now ?  ” I went in at once .  It was a strange room to find in the tropics .  Twilight and stuffiness reigned in there .  The fellow had hung enormously ample , dusty , cheap lace curtains over his windows , which were shut .  Piles of cardboard boxes , such as milliners and dressmakers use in Europe , cumbered the corners ; and by some means he had procured for himself the sort of furniture that might have come out of a respectable parlour in the East End of London — a horsehair sofa , arm-chairs of the same .  I glimpsed grimy antimacassars scattered over that horrid upholstery , which was awe-inspiring , insomuch that one could not guess what mysterious accident , need , or fancy had collected it there .  Its owner had taken off his tunic , and in white trousers and a thin , short-sleeved singlet prowled behind the chair-backs nursing his meagre elbows .  An exclamation of dismay escaped him when he heard that I had come for a stay ; but he could not deny that there were plenty of vacant rooms .  “ Very well .  Can you give me the one I had before ?  ”  He emitted a faint moan from behind a pile of cardboard boxes on the table , which might have contained gloves or handkerchiefs or neckties .  I wonder what the fellow did keep in them ?  There was a smell of decaying coral , or Oriental dust of zoological speciments in that den of his .  I could only see the top of his head and his unhappy eyes levelled at me over the barrier .  “ It’s only for a couple of days , ” I said , intending to cheer him up .  “ Perhaps you would like to pay in advance ?  ” he suggested eagerly .  “ Certainly not !  ” I burst out directly I could speak .  “ Never heard of such a thing !  This is the most infernal cheek .  .  .  .  ”  He had seized his head in both hands — a gesture of despair which checked my indignation .  “ Oh , dear !  Oh , dear !  Don’t fly out like this .  I am asking everybody .  ”  “ I don’t believe it , ” I said bluntly .  “ Well , I am going to .  And if you gentlemen all agreed to pay in advance I could make Hamilton pay up , too .  He’s always turning up ashore dead broke , and even when he has some money he won’t settle his bills .  I don’t know what to do with him .  He swears at me and tells me I can’t chuck a white man out into the street here .  So if you only would .  .  .  .  ”  I was amazed .  Incredulous , too .  I suspected the fellow of gratuitous impertinence .  I told him with marked emphasis that I would see him and Hamilton hanged first , and requested him to conduct me to my room with no more of his nonsense .  He produced then a key from somewhere and led the way out of his lair , giving me a vicious sidelong look in passing .  “ Any one I know staying here ?  ” I asked him before he left my room .  He had recovered his usual pained impatient tone , and said that Captain Giles was there , back from a Solo Sea trip .  Two other guests were staying also .  He paused .  And , of course , Hamilton , he added .  “ Oh , yes !  Hamilton , ” I said , and the miserable creature took himself off with a final groan .  His impudence still rankled when I came into the dining room at tiffin time .  He was there on duty overlooking the Chinamen servants .  The tiffin was laid on one end only of the long table , and the punkah was stirring the hot air lazily — mostly above a barren waste of polished wood .  We were four around the cloth .  The dozing stranger from the chair was one .  Both his eyes were partly opened now , but they did not seem to see anything .  He was supine .  The dignified person next him , with short side whiskers and a carefully scraped chin , was , of course , Hamilton .  I have never seen any one so full of dignity for the station in life Providence had been pleased to place him in .  I had been told that he regarded me as a rank outsider .  He raised not only his eyes , but his eyebrows as well , at the sound I made pulling back my chair .  Captain Giles was at the head of the table .  I exchanged a few words of greeting with him and sat down on his left .  Stout and pale , with a great shiny dome of a bald forehead and prominent brown eyes , he might have been anything but a seaman .  You would not have been surprised to learn that he was an architect .  To me ( I know how absurd it is ) he looked like a churchwarden .  He had the appearance of a man from whom you would expect sound advice , moral sentiments , with perhaps a platitude or two thrown in on occasion , not from a desire to dazzle , but from honest conviction .  Though very well known and appreciated in the shipping world , he had no regular employment .  He did not want it .  He had his own peculiar position .  He was an expert .  An expert in — how shall I say it ?  — in intricate navigation .  He was supposed to know more about remote and imperfectly charted parts of the Archipelago than any man living .  His brain must have been a perfect warehouse of reefs , positions , bearings , images of headlands , shapes of obscure coasts , aspects of innumerable islands , desert and otherwise .  Any ship , for instance , bound on a trip to Palawan or somewhere that way would have Captain Giles on board , either in temporary command or “ to assist the master .  ” It was said that he had a retaining fee from a wealthy firm of Chinese steamship owners , in view of such services .  Besides , he was always ready to relieve any man who wished to take a spell ashore for a time .  No owner was ever known to object to an arrangement of that sort .  For it seemed to be the established opinion at the port that Captain Giles was as good as the best , if not a little better .  But in Hamilton’s view he was an “ outsider .  ” I believe that for Hamilton the generalisation “ outsider ” covered the whole lot of us ; though I suppose that he made some distinctions in his mind .  I didn’t try to make conversation with Captain Giles , whom I had not seen more than twice in my life .  But , of course , he knew who I was .  After a while , inclining his big shiny head my way , he addressed me first in his friendly fashion .  He presumed from seeing me there , he said , that I had come ashore for a couple of days’ leave .  He was a low-voiced man .  I spoke a little louder , saying that : No — I had left the ship for good .  “ A free man for a bit , ” was his comment .  “ I suppose I may call myself that — since eleven o’clock , ” I said .  Hamilton had stopped eating at the sound of our voices .  He laid down his knife and fork gently , got up , and muttering something about “ this infernal heat cutting one’s appetite , ” went out of the room .  Almost immediately we heard him leave the house down the verandah steps .  On this Captain Giles remarked easily that the fellow had no doubt gone off to look after my old job .  The Chief Steward , who had been leaning against the wall , brought his face of an unhappy goat nearer to the table and addressed us dolefully .  His object was to unburden himself of his eternal grievance against Hamilton .  The man kept him in hot water with the Harbour Office as to the state of his accounts .  He wished to goodness he would get my job , though in truth what would it be ?  Temporary relief at best .  I said : “ You needn’t worry .  He won’t get my job .  My successor is on board already .  ”  He was surprised , and I believe his face fell a little at the news .  Captain Giles gave a soft laugh .  We got up and went out on the verandah , leaving the supine stranger to be dealt with by the Chinamen .  The last thing I saw they had put a plate with a slice of pine-apple on it before him and stood back to watch what would happen .  But the experiment seemed a failure .  He sat insensible .  It was imparted to me in a low voice by Captain Giles that this was an officer of some Rajah’s yacht which had come into our port to be dry-docked .  Must have been “ seeing life ” last night , he added , wrinkling his nose in an intimate , confidential way which pleased me vastly .  For Captain Giles had prestige .  He was credited with wonderful adventures and with some mysterious tragedy in his life .  And no man had a word to say against him .  He continued :  “ I remember him first coming ashore here some years ago .  Seems only the other day .  He was a nice boy .  Oh !  these nice boys !  ”  I could not help laughing aloud .  He looked startled , then joined in the laugh .  “ No !  No !  I didn’t mean that , ” he cried .  “ What I meant is that some of them do go soft mighty quick out here .  ”  Jocularly I suggested the beastly heat as the first cause .  But Captain Giles disclosed himself possessed of a deeper philosophy .  Things out East were made easy for white men .  That was all right .  The difficulty was to go on keeping white , and some of these nice boys did not know how .  He gave me a searching look , and in a benevolent , heavy-uncle manner asked point blank :  “ Why did you throw up your berth ?  ”  I became angry all of a sudden ; for you can understand how exasperating such a question was to a man who didn’t know .  I said to myself that I ought to shut up that moralist ; and to him aloud I said with challenging politeness :  “ Why .  .  .  ?  Do you disapprove ?  ”  He was too disconcerted to do more than mutter confusedly : “ I !  .  .  .  In a general way .  .  .  ” and then gave me up .  But he retired in good order , under the cover of a heavily humorous remark that he , too , was getting soft , and that this was his time for taking his little siesta — when he was on shore .  “ Very bad habit .  Very bad habit .  ”  There was a simplicity in the man which would have disarmed a touchiness even more youthful than mine .  So when next day at tiffin he bent his head toward me and said that he had met my late Captain last evening , adding in an undertone : “ He’s very sorry you left .  He had never had a mate that suited him so well , ” I answered him earnestly , without any affectation , that I certainly hadn’t been so comfortable in any ship or with any commander in all my sea-going days .  “ Well — then , ” he murmured .  “ Haven’t you heard , Captain Giles , that I intend to go home ?  ”  “ Yes , ” he said benevolently .  “ I have heard that sort of thing so often before .  ”  “ What of that ?  ” I cried .  I thought he was the most dull , unimaginative man I had ever met .  I don’t know what more I would have said , but the much-belated Hamilton came in just then and took his usual seat .  So I dropped into a mumble .  “ Anyhow , you shall see it done this time .  ”  Hamilton , beautifully shaved , gave Captain Giles a curt nod , but didn’t even condescend to raise his eyebrows at me ; and when he spoke it was only to tell the Chief Steward that the food on his plate wasn’t fit to be set before a gentleman .  The individual addressed seemed much too unhappy to groan .  He cast his eyes up to the punkah and that was all .  Captain Giles and I got up from the table , and the stranger next to Hamilton followed our example , manoeuvring himself to his feet with difficulty .  He , poor fellow , not because he was hungry but I verily believe only to recover his self-respect , had tried to put some of that unworthy food into his mouth .  But after dropping his fork twice and generally making a failure of it , he had sat still with an air of intense mortification combined with a ghastly glazed stare .  Both Giles and I had avoided looking his way at table .  On the verandah he stopped short on purpose to address to us anxiously a long remark which I failed to understand completely .  It sounded like some horrible unknown language .  But when Captain Giles , after only an instant for reflection , assured him with homely friendliness , “ Aye , to be sure .  You are right there , ” he appeared very much gratified indeed , and went away ( pretty straight , too ) to seek a distant long chair .  “ What was he trying to say ?  ” I asked with disgust .  “ I don’t know .  Mustn’t be down too much on a fellow .  He’s feeling pretty wretched , you may be sure ; and to-morrow he’ll feel worse yet .  ”  Judging by the man’s appearance it seemed impossible .  I wondered what sort of complicated debauch had reduced him to that unspeakable condition .  Captain Giles’ benevolence was spoiled by a curious air of complacency which I disliked .  I said with a little laugh :  “ Well , he will have you to look after him .  ” He made a deprecatory gesture , sat down , and took up a paper .  I did the same .  The papers were old and uninteresting , filled up mostly with dreary stereotyped descriptions of Queen Victoria’s first jubilee celebrations .  Probably we should have quickly fallen into a tropical afternoon doze if it had not been for Hamilton’s voice raised in the dining room .  He was finishing his tiffin there .  The big double doors stood wide open permanently , and he could not have had any idea how near to the doorway our chairs were placed .  He was heard in a loud , supercilious tone answering some statement ventured by the Chief Steward .  “ I am not going to be rushed into anything .  They will be glad enough to get a gentleman I imagine .  There is no hurry .  ”  A loud whispering from the Steward succeeded and then again Hamilton was heard with even intenser scorn .  “ What ?  That young ass who fancies himself for having been chief mate with Kent so long ?  .  .  .  Preposterous .  ”  Giles and I looked at each other .  Kent being the name of my late commander , Captain Giles’ whisper , “ He’s talking of you , ” seemed to me sheer waste of breath .  The Chief Steward must have stuck to his point , whatever it was , because Hamilton was heard again more supercilious if possible , and also very emphatic :  “ Rubbish , my good man !  One doesn’t compete with a rank outsider like that .  There’s plenty of time .  ”  Then there were pushing of chairs , footsteps in the next room , and plaintive expostulations from the Steward , who was pursuing Hamilton , even out of doors through the main entrance .  “ That’s a very insulting sort of man , ” remarked Captain Giles — superfluously , I thought .  “ Very insulting .  You haven’t offended him in some way , have you ?  ”  “ Never spoke to him in my life , ” I said grumpily .  “ Can’t imagine what he means by competing .  He has been trying for my job after I left — and didn’t get it .  But that isn’t exactly competition .  ”  Captain Giles balanced his big benevolent head thoughtfully .  “ He didn’t get it , ” he repeated very slowly .  “ No , not likely either , with Kent .  Kent is no end sorry you left him .  He gives you the name of a good seaman , too .  ”  I flung away the paper I was still holding .  I sat up , I slapped the table with my open palm .  I wanted to know why he would keep harping on that , my absolutely private affair .  It was exasperating , really .  Captain Giles silenced me by the perfect equanimity of his gaze .  “ Nothing to be annoyed about , ” he murmured reasonably , with an evident desire to soothe the childish irritation he had aroused .  And he was really a man of an appearance so inoffensive that I tried to explain myself as much as I could .  I told him that I did not want to hear any more about what was past and gone .  It had been very nice while it lasted , but now it was done with I preferred not to talk about it or even think about it .  I had made up my mind to go home .  He listened to the whole tirade in a particular lending-the-ear attitude , as if trying to detect a false note in it somewhere ; then straightened himself up and appeared to ponder sagaciously over the matter .  “ Yes .  You told me you meant to go home .  Anything in view there ?  ”  Instead of telling him that it was none of his business I said sullenly :  “ Nothing that I know of .  ”  I had indeed considered that rather blank side of the situation I had created for myself by leaving suddenly my very satisfactory employment .  And I was not very pleased with it .  I had it on the tip of my tongue to say that common sense had nothing to do with my action , and that therefore it didn’t deserve the interest Captain Giles seemed to be taking in it .  But he was puffing at a short wooden pipe now , and looked so guileless , dense , and commonplace , that it seemed hardly worth while to puzzle him either with truth or sarcasm .  He blew a cloud of smoke , then surprised me by a very abrupt : “ Paid your passage money yet ?  ”  Overcome by the shameless pertinacity of a man to whom it was rather difficult to be rude , I replied with exaggerated meekness that I had not done so yet .  I thought there would be plenty of time to do that to-morrow .  And I was about to turn away , withdrawing my privacy from his fatuous , objectless attempts to test what sort of stuff it was made of , when he laid down his pipe in an extremely significant manner , you know , as if a critical moment had come , and leaned sideways over the table between us .  “ Oh !  You haven’t yet !  ” He dropped his voice mysteriously .  “ Well , then I think you ought to know that there’s something going on here .  ”  I had never in my life felt more detached from all earthly goings on .  Freed from the sea for a time , I preserved the sailor’s consciousness of complete independence from all land affairs .  How could they concern me ?  I gazed at Captain Giles’ animation with scorn rather than with curiosity .  To his obviously preparatory question whether our Steward had spoken to me that day I said he hadn’t .  And what’s more he would have had precious little encouragement if he had tried to .  I didn’t want the fellow to speak to me at all .  Unrebuked by my petulance , Captain Giles , with an air of immense sagacity , began to tell me a minute tale about a Harbour Office peon .  It was absolutely pointless .  A peon was seen walking that morning on the verandah with a letter in his hand .  It was in an official envelope .  As the habit of these fellows is , he had shown it to the first white man he came across .  That man was our friend in the arm-chair .  He , as I knew , was not in a state to interest himself in any sublunary matters .  He could only wave the peon away .  The peon then wandered on along the verandah and came upon Captain Giles , who was there by an extraordinary chance .  .  .  .  At this point he stopped with a profound look .  The letter , he continued , was addressed to the Chief Steward .  Now what could Captain Ellis , the Master Attendant , want to write to the Steward for ?  The fellow went every morning , anyhow , to the Harbour Office with his report , for orders or what not .  He hadn’t been back more than an hour before there was an office peon chasing him with a note .  Now what was that for ?  And he began to speculate .  It was not for this — and it could not be for that .  As to that other thing it was unthinkable .  The fatuousness of all this made me stare .  If the man had not been somehow a sympathetic personality I would have resented it like an insult .  As it was , I felt only sorry for him .  Something remarkably earnest in his gaze prevented me from laughing in his face .  Neither did I yawn at him .  I just stared .  His tone became a shade more mysterious .  Directly the fellow ( meaning the Steward ) got that note he rushed for his hat and bolted out of the house .  But it wasn’t because the note called him to the Harbour Office .  He didn’t go there .  He was not absent long enough for that .  He came darting back in no time , flung his hat away , and raced about the dining room moaning and slapping his forehead .  All these exciting facts and manifestations had been observed by Captain Giles .  He had , it seems , been meditating upon them ever since .  I began to pity him profoundly .  And in a tone which I tried to make as little sarcastic as possible I said that I was glad he had found something to occupy his morning hours .  With his disarming simplicity he made me observe , as if it were a matter of some consequence , how strange it was that he should have spent the morning indoors at all .  He generally was out before tiffin , visiting various offices , seeing his friends in the harbour , and so on .  He had felt out of sorts somewhat on rising .  Nothing much .  Just enough to make him feel lazy .  All this with a sustained , holding stare which , in conjunction with the general inanity of the discourse , conveyed the impression of mild , dreary lunacy .  And when he hitched his chair a little and dropped his voice to the low note of mystery , it flashed upon me that high professional reputation was not necessarily a guarantee of sound mind .  It never occurred to me then that I didn’t know in what soundness of mind exactly consisted and what a delicate and , upon the whole , unimportant matter it was .  With some idea of not hurting his feelings I blinked at him in an interested manner .  But when he proceeded to ask me mysteriously whether I remembered what had passed just now between that Steward of ours and “ that man Hamilton , ” I only grunted sourly assent and turned away my head .  “ Aye .  But do you remember every word ?  ” he insisted tactfully .  “ I don’t know .  It’s none of my business , ” I snapped out , consigning , moreover , the Steward and Hamilton aloud to eternal perdition .  I meant to be very energetic and final , but Captain Giles continued to gaze at me thoughtfully .  Nothing could stop him .  He went on to point out that my personality was involved in that conversation .  When I tried to preserve the semblance of unconcern he became positively cruel .  I heard what the man had said ?  Yes ?  What did I think of it then ?  — he wanted to know .  Captain Giles’ appearance excluding the suspicion of mere sly malice , I came to the conclusion that he was simply the most tactless idiot on earth .  I almost despised myself for the weakness of attempting to enlighten his common understanding .  I started to explain that I did not think anything whatever .  Hamilton was not worth a thought .  What such an offensive loafer .  .  .  “ Aye !  that he is , ” interjected Captain Giles .  .  .  thought or said was below any decent man’s contempt , and I did not propose to take the slightest notice of it .  This attitude seemed to me so simple and obvious that I was really astonished at Giles giving no sign of assent .  Such perfect stupidity was almost interesting .  “ What would you like me to do ?  ” I asked , laughing .  “ I can’t start a row with him because of the opinion he has formed of me .  Of course , I’ve heard of the contemptuous way he alludes to me .  But he doesn’t intrude his contempt on my notice .  He has never expressed it in my hearing .  For even just now he didn’t know we could hear him .  I should only make myself ridiculous .  ”  That hopeless Giles went on puffing at his pipe moodily .  All at once his face cleared , and he spoke .  “ You missed my point .  ”  “ Have I ?  I am very glad to hear it , ” I said .  With increasing animation he stated again that I had missed his point .  Entirely .  And in a tone of growing self-conscious complacency he told me that few things escaped his attention , and he was rather used to think them out , and generally from his experience of life and men arrived at the right conclusion .  This bit of self-praise , of course , fitted excellently the laborious inanity of the whole conversation .  The whole thing strengthened in me that obscure feeling of life being but a waste of days , which , half-unconsciously , had driven me out of a comfortable berth , away from men I liked , to flee from the menace of emptiness .  .  .  and to find inanity at the first turn .  Here was a man of recognized character and achievement disclosed as an absurd and dreary chatterer .  And it was probably like this everywhere — from east to west , from the bottom to the top of the social scale .  A great discouragement fell on me .  A spiritual drowsiness .  Giles’ voice was going on complacently ; the very voice of the universal hollow conceit .  And I was no longer angry with it .  There was nothing original , nothing new , startling , informing , to expect from the world ; no opportunities to find out something about oneself , no wisdom to acquire , no fun to enjoy .  Everything was stupid and overrated , even as Captain Giles was .  So be it .  The name of Hamilton suddenly caught my ear and roused me up .  “ I thought we had done with him , ” I said , with the greatest possible distaste .  “ Yes .  But considering what we happened to hear just now I think you ought to do it .  ”  “ Ought to do it ?  ” I sat up bewildered .  “ Do what ?  ”  Captain Giles confronted me very much surprised .  “ Why !  Do what I have been advising you to try .  You go and ask the Steward what was there in that letter from the Harbour Office .  Ask him straight out .  ”  I remained speechless for a time .  Here was something unexpected and original enough to be altogether incomprehensible .  I murmured , astounded :  “ But I thought it was Hamilton that you .  .  .  ”  “ Exactly .  Don’t you let him .  You do what I tell you .  You tackle that Steward .  You’ll make him jump , I bet , ” insisted Captain Giles , waving his smouldering pipe impressively at me .  Then he took three rapid puffs at it .  His aspect of triumphant acuteness was indescribable .  Yet the man remained a strangely sympathetic creature .  Benevolence radiated from him ridiculously , mildly , impressively .  It was irritating , too .  But I pointed out coldly , as one who deals with the incomprehensible , that I didn’t see any reason to expose myself to a snub from the fellow .  He was a very unsatisfactory steward and a miserable wretch besides , but I would just as soon think of tweaking his nose .  “ Tweaking his nose , ” said Captain Giles in a scandalized tone .  “ Much use it would be to you .  ”  That remark was so irrelevant that one could make no answer to it .  But the sense of the absurdity was beginning at last to exercise its well-known fascination .  I felt I must not let the man talk to me any more .  I got up , observing curtly that he was too much for me — that I couldn’t make him out .  Before I had time to move away he spoke again in a changed tone of obstinacy and puffing nervously at his pipe .  “ Well — he’s a — no account cuss — anyhow .  You just — ask him .  That’s all .  ”  That new manner impressed me — or rather made me pause .  But sanity asserting its sway at once I left the verandah after giving him a mirthless smile .  In a few strides I found myself in the dining room , now cleared and empty .  But during that short time various thoughts occurred to me , such as : that Giles had been making fun of me , expecting some amusement at my expense ; that I probably looked silly and gullible ; that I knew very little of life .  .  .  .  The door facing me across the dining room flew open to my extreme surprise .  It was the door inscribed with the word “ Steward ” and the man himself ran out of his stuffy , Philistinish lair in his absurd , hunted-animal manner , making for the garden door .  To this day I don’t know what made me call after him .  “ I say !  Wait a minute .  ” Perhaps it was the sidelong glance he gave me ; or possibly I was yet under the influence of Captain Giles’ mysterious earnestness .  Well , it was an impulse of some sort ; an effect of that force somewhere within our lives which shapes them this way or that .  For if these words had not escaped from my lips ( my will had nothing to do with that ) my existence would , to be sure , have been still a seaman’s existence , but directed on now to me utterly inconceivable lines .  No. My will had nothing to do with it .  Indeed , no sooner had I made that fateful noise than I became extremely sorry for it .  Had the man stopped and faced me I would have had to retire in disorder .  For I had no notion to carry out Captain Giles’ idiotic joke , either at my own expense or at the expense of the Steward .  But here the old human instinct of the chase came into play .  He pretended to be deaf , and I , without thinking a second about it , dashed along my own side of the dining table and cut him off at the very door .  “ Why can’t you answer when you are spoken to ?  ” I asked roughly .  He leaned against the lintel of the door .  He looked extremely wretched .  Human nature is , I fear , not very nice right through .  There are ugly spots in it .  I found myself growing angry , and that , I believe , only because my quarry looked so woe-begone .  Miserable beggar !  I went for him without more ado .  “ I understand there was an official communication to the Home from the Harbour Office this morning .  Is that so ?  ”  Instead of telling me to mind my own business , as he might have done , he began to whine with an undertone of impudence .  He couldn’t see me anywhere this morning .  He couldn’t be expected to run all over the town after me .  “ Who wants you to ?  ” I cried .  And then my eyes became opened to the inwardness of things and speeches the triviality of which had been so baffling and tiresome .  I told him I wanted to know what was in that letter .  My sternness of tone and behaviour was only half assumed .  Curiosity can be a very fierce sentiment — at times .  He took refuge in a silly , muttering sulkiness .  It was nothing to me , he mumbled .  I had told him I was going home .  And since I was going home he didn’t see why he should .  .  .  .  That was the line of his argument , and it was irrelevant enough to be almost insulting .  Insulting to one’s intelligence , I mean .  In that twilight region between youth and maturity , in which I had my being then , one is peculiarly sensitive to that kind of insult .  I am afraid my behaviour to the Steward became very rough indeed .  But it wasn’t in him to face out anything or anybody .  Drug habit or solitary tippling , perhaps .  And when I forgot myself so far as to swear at him he broke down and began to shriek .  I don’t mean to say that he made a great outcry .  It was a cynical shrieking confession , only faint — piteously faint .  It wasn’t very coherent either , but sufficiently so to strike me dumb at first .  I turned my eyes from him in righteous indignation , and perceived Captain Giles in the verandah doorway surveying quietly the scene , his own handiwork , if I may express it in that way .  His smouldering black pipe was very noticeable in his big , paternal fist .  So , too , was the glitter of his heavy gold watch-chain across the breast of his white tunic .  He exhaled an atmosphere of virtuous sagacity serene enough for any innocent soul to fly to confidently .  I flew to him .  “ You would never believe it , ” I cried .  “ It was a notification that a master is wanted for some ship .  There’s a command apparently going about and this fellow puts the thing in his pocket .  ”  The Steward screamed out in accents of loud despair : “ You will be the death of me !  ”  The mighty slap he gave his wretched forehead was very loud , too .  But when I turned to look at him he was no longer there .  He had rushed away somewhere out of sight .  This sudden disappearance made me laugh .  This was the end of the incident — for me .  Captain Giles , however , staring at the place where the Steward had been , began to haul at his gorgeous gold chain till at last the watch came up from the deep pocket like solid truth from a well .  Solemnly he lowered it down again and only then said :  “ Just three o’clock .  You will be in time — if you don’t lose any , that is .  ”  “ In time for what ?  ” I asked .  “ Good Lord !  For the Harbour Office .  This must be looked into .  ”  Strictly speaking , he was right .  But I’ve never had much taste for investigation , for showing people up and all that no doubt ethically meritorious kind of work .  And my view of the episode was purely ethical .  If any one had to be the death of the Steward I didn’t see why it shouldn’t be Captain Giles himself , a man of age and standing , and a permanent resident .  Whereas , I in comparison , felt myself a mere bird of passage in that port .  In fact , it might have been said that I had already broken off my connection .  I muttered that I didn’t think — it was nothing to me .  .  .  .  “ Nothing !  ” repeated Captain Giles , giving some signs of quiet , deliberate indignation .  “ Kent warned me you were a peculiar young fellow .  You will tell me next that a command is nothing to you — and after all the trouble I’ve taken , too !  ”  “ The trouble !  ” I murmured , uncomprehending .  What trouble ?  All I could remember was being mystified and bored by his conversation for a solid hour after tiffin .  And he called that taking a lot of trouble .  He was looking at me with a self-complacency which would have been odious in any other man .  All at once , as if a page of a book had been turned over disclosing a word which made plain all that had gone before , I perceived that this matter had also another than an ethical aspect .  And still I did not move .  Captain Giles lost his patience a little .  With an angry puff at his pipe he turned his back on my hesitation .  But it was not hesitation on my part .  I had been , if I may express myself so , put out of gear mentally .  But as soon as I had convinced myself that this stale , unprofitable world of my discontent contained such a thing as a command to be seized , I recovered my powers of locomotion .  It’s a good step from the Officers’ Home to the Harbour Office ; but with the magic word “ Command ” in my head I found myself suddenly on the quay as if transported there in the twinkling of an eye , before a portal of dressed white stone above a flight of shallow white steps .  All this seemed to glide toward me swiftly .  The whole great roadstead to the right was just a mere flicker of blue , and the dim cool hall swallowed me up out of the heat and glare of which I had not been aware till the very moment I passed in from it .  The broad inner staircase insinuated itself under my feet somehow .  Command is a strong magic .  The first human beings I perceived distinctly since I had parted with the indignant back of Captain Giles were the crew of the harbour steam-launch lounging on the spacious landing about the curtained archway of the shipping office .  It was there that my buoyancy abandoned me .  The atmosphere of officialdom would kill anything that breathes the air of human endeavour , would extinguish hope and fear alike in the supremacy of paper and ink .  I passed heavily under the curtain which the Malay coxswain of the harbour launch raised for me .  There was nobody in the office except the clerks , writing in two industrious rows .  But the head Shipping-Master hopped down from his elevation and hurried along on the thick mats to meet me in the broad central passage .  He had a Scottish name , but his complexion was of a rich olive hue , his short beard was jet black , and his eyes , also black , had a languishing expression .  He asked confidentially :  “ You want to see Him ?  ”  All lightness of spirit and body having departed from me at the touch of officialdom , I looked at the scribe without animation and asked in my turn wearily :  “ What do you think ?  Is it any use ?  ”  “ My goodness !  He has asked for you twice today .  ”  This emphatic He was the supreme authority , the Marine Superintendent , the Harbour-Master — a very great person in the eyes of every single quill-driver in the room .  But that was nothing to the opinion he had of his own greatness .  Captain Ellis looked upon himself as a sort of divine ( pagan ) emanation , the deputy-Neptune for the circumambient seas .  If he did not actually rule the waves , he pretended to rule the fate of the mortals whose lives were cast upon the waters .  This uplifting illusion made him inquisitorial and peremptory .  And as his temperament was choleric there were fellows who were actually afraid of him .  He was redoubtable , not in virtue of his office , but because of his unwarrantable assumptions .  I had never had anything to do with him before .  I said : “ Oh !  He has asked for me twice .  Then perhaps I had better go in .  ”  “ You must !  You must !  ”  The Shipping-Master led the way with a mincing gait around the whole system of desks to a tall and important-looking door , which he opened with a deferential action of the arm .  He stepped right in ( but without letting go of the handle ) and , after gazing reverently down the room for a while , beckoned me in by a silent jerk of the head .  Then he slipped out at once and shut the door after me most delicately .  Three lofty windows gave on the harbour .  There was nothing in them but the dark-blue sparkling sea and the paler luminous blue of the sky .  My eye caught in the depths and distances of these blue tones the white speck of some big ship just arrived and about to anchor in the outer roadstead .  A ship from home — after perhaps ninety days at sea .  There is something touching about a ship coming in from sea and folding her white wings for a rest .  The next thing I saw was the top-knot of silver hair surmounting Captain Ellis’ smooth red face , which would have been apoplectic if it hadn’t had such a fresh appearance .  Our deputy-Neptune had no beard on his chin , and there was no trident to be seen standing in a corner anywhere , like an umbrella .  But his hand was holding a pen — the official pen , far mightier than the sword in making or marring the fortune of simple toiling men .  He was looking over his shoulder at my advance .  When I had come well within range he saluted me by a nerve-shattering : “ Where have you been all this time ?  ”  As it was no concern of his I did not take the slightest notice of the shot .  I said simply that I had heard there was a master needed for some vessel , and being a sailing-ship man I thought I would apply .  .  .  .  He interrupted me .  “ Why !  Hang it !  You are the right man for that job — if there had been twenty others after it .  But no fear of that .  They are all afraid to catch hold .  That’s what’s the matter .  ”  He was very irritated .  I said innocently : “ Are they , sir .  I wonder why ?  ”  “ Why !  ” he fumed .  “ Afraid of the sails .  Afraid of a white crew .  Too much trouble .  Too much work .  Too long out here .  Easy life and deck-chairs more their mark .  Here I sit with the Consul-General’s cable before me , and the only man fit for the job not to be found anywhere .  I began to think you were funking it , too .  .  .  .  ”  “ I haven’t been long getting to the office , ” I remarked calmly .  “ You have a good name out here , though , ” he growled savagely without looking at me .  “ I am very glad to hear it from you , sir , ” I said .  “ Yes .  But you are not on the spot when you are wanted .  You know you weren’t .  That steward of yours wouldn’t dare to neglect a message from this office .  Where the devil did you hide yourself for the best part of the day ?  ”  I only smiled kindly down on him , and he seemed to recollect himself , and asked me to take a seat .  He explained that the master of a British ship having died in Bangkok the Consul-General had cabled to him a request for a competent man to be sent out to take command .  Apparently , in his mind , I was the man from the first , though for the looks of the thing the notification addressed to the Sailors’ Home was general .  An agreement had already been prepared .  He gave it to me to read , and when I handed it back to him with the remark that I accepted its terms , the deputy-Neptune signed it , stamped it with his own exalted hand , folded it in four ( it was a sheet of blue foolscap ) and presented it to me — a gift of extraordinary potency , for , as I put it in my pocket , my head swam a little .  “ This is your appointment to the command , ” he said with a certain gravity .  “ An official appointment binding the owners to conditions which you have accepted .  Now — when will you be ready to go ?  ”  I said I would be ready that very day if necessary .  He caught me at my word with great alacrity .  The steamer Melita was leaving for Bangkok that evening about seven .  He would request her captain officially to give me a passage and wait for me till ten o’clock .  Then he rose from his office chair , and I got up , too .  My head swam , there was no doubt about it , and I felt a certain heaviness of limbs as if they had grown bigger since I had sat down on that chair .  I made my bow .  A subtle change in Captain Ellis’ manner became perceptible as though he had laid aside the trident of deputy-Neptune .  In reality , it was only his official pen that he had dropped on getting up .  II  He shook hands with me : “ Well , there you are , on your own , appointed officially under my responsibility .  ”  He was actually walking with me to the door .  What a distance off it seemed !  I moved like a man in bonds .  But we reached it at last .  I opened it with the sensation of dealing with mere dream-stuff , and then at the last moment the fellowship of seamen asserted itself , stronger than the difference of age and station .  It asserted itself in Captain Ellis’ voice .  “ Good-bye — and good luck to you , ” he said so heartily that I could only give him a grateful glance .  Then I turned and went out , never to see him again in my life .  I had not made three steps into the outer office when I heard behind my back a gruff , loud , authoritative voice , the voice of our deputy-Neptune .  It was addressing the head Shipping-Master who , having let me in , had , apparently , remained hovering in the middle distance ever since .  “ Mr. R .  , let the harbour launch have steam up to take the captain here on board the Melita at half-past nine to-night .  ”  I was amazed at the startled alacrity of R’s “ Yes , sir .  ” He ran before me out on the landing .  My new dignity sat yet so lightly on me that I was not aware that it was I , the Captain , the object of this last graciousness .  It seemed as if all of a sudden a pair of wings had grown on my shoulders .  I merely skimmed along the polished floor .  But R .  was impressed .  “ I say !  ” he exclaimed on the landing , while the Malay crew of the steam-launch standing by looked stonily at the man for whom they were going to be kept on duty so late , away from their gambling , from their girls , or their pure domestic joys .  “ I say !  His own launch .  What have you done to him ?  ”  His stare was full of respectful curiosity .  I was quite confounded .  “ Was it for me ?  I hadn’t the slightest notion , ” I stammered out .  He nodded many times .  “ Yes .  And the last person who had it before you was a Duke .  So , there !  ”  I think he expected me to faint on the spot .  But I was in too much of a hurry for emotional displays .  My feelings were already in such a whirl that this staggering information did not seem to make the slightest difference .  It merely fell into the seething cauldron of my brain , and I carried it off with me after a short but effusive passage of leave-taking with R .  The favour of the great throws an aureole round the fortunate object of its selection .  That excellent man enquired whether he could do anything for me .  He had known me only by sight , and he was well aware he would never see me again ; I was , in common with the other seamen of the port , merely a subject for official writing , filling up of forms with all the artificial superiority of a man of pen and ink to the men who grapple with realities outside the consecrated walls of official buildings .  What ghosts we must have been to him !  Mere symbols to juggle with in books and heavy registers , without brains and muscles and perplexities ; something hardly useful and decidedly inferior .  And he — the office hours being over — wanted to know if he could be of any use to me !  I ought — properly speaking — I ought to have been moved to tears .  But I did not even think of it .  It was merely another miraculous manifestation of that day of miracles .  I parted from him as if he were a mere symbol .  I floated down the staircase .  I floated out of the official and imposing portal .  I went on floating along .  I use that word rather than the word “ flew , ” because I have a distinct impression that , though uplifted by my aroused youth , my movements were deliberate enough .  To that mixed white , brown , and yellow portion of mankind , out abroad on their own affairs , I presented the appearance of a man walking rather sedately .  And nothing in the way of abstraction could have equalled my deep detachment from the forms and colours of this world .  It was , as it were , final .  And yet , suddenly , I recognized Hamilton .  I recognized him without effort , without a shock , without a start .  There he was , strolling toward the Harbour Office with his stiff , arrogant dignity .  His red face made him noticeable at a distance .  It flamed , over there , on the shady side of the street .  He had perceived me , too .  Something ( unconscious exuberance of spirits perhaps ) moved me to wave my hand to him elaborately .  This lapse from good taste happened before I was aware that I was capable of it .  The impact of my impudence stopped him short , much as a bullet might have done .  I verily believe he staggered , though as far as I could see he didn’t actually fall .  I had gone past in a moment and did not turn my head .  I had forgotten his existence .  The next ten minutes might have been ten seconds or ten centuries for all my consciousness had to do with it .  People might have been falling dead around me , houses crumbling , guns firing , I wouldn’t have known .  I was thinking : “ By Jove !  I have got it .  ” It being the command .  It had come about in a way utterly unforeseen in my modest day-dreams .  I perceived that my imagination had been running in conventional channels and that my hopes had always been drab stuff .  I had envisaged a command as a result of a slow course of promotion in the employ of some highly respectable firm .  The reward of faithful service .  Well , faithful service was all right .  One would naturally give that for one’s own sake , for the sake of the ship , for the love of the life of one’s choice ; not for the sake of the reward .  There is something distasteful in the notion of a reward .  And now here I had my command , absolutely in my pocket , in a way undeniable indeed , but most unexpected ; beyond my imaginings , outside all reasonable expectations , and even notwithstanding the existence of some sort of obscure intrigue to keep it away from me .  It is true that the intrigue was feeble , but it helped the feeling of wonder — as if I had been specially destined for that ship I did not know , by some power higher than the prosaic agencies of the commercial world .  A strange sense of exultation began to creep into me .  If I had worked for that command ten years or more there would have been nothing of the kind .  I was a little frightened .  “ Let us be calm , ” I said to myself .  Outside the door of the Officers’ Home the wretched Steward seemed to be waiting for me .  There was a broad flight of a few steps , and he ran to and fro on the top of it as if chained there .  A distressed cur .  He looked as though his throat were too dry for him to bark .  I regret to say I stopped before going in .  There had been a revolution in my moral nature .  He waited open-mouthed , breathless , while I looked at him for half a minute .  “ And you thought you could keep me out of it , ” I said scathingly .  “ You said you were going home , ” he squeaked miserably .  “ You said so .  You said so .  ”  “ I wonder what Captain Ellis will have to say to that excuse , ” I uttered slowly with a sinister meaning .  His lower jaw had been trembling all the time and his voice was like the bleating of a sick goat .  “ You have given me away ?  You have done for me ?  ”  Neither his distress nor yet the sheer absurdity of it was able to disarm me .  It was the first instance of harm being attempted to be done to me — at any rate , the first I had ever found out .  And I was still young enough , still too much on this side of the shadow line , not to be surprised and indignant at such things .  I gazed at him inflexibly .  Let the beggar suffer .  He slapped his forehead and I passed in , pursued , into the dining room , by his screech : “ I always said you’d be the death of me .  ”  This clamour not only overtook me , but went ahead as it were on to the verandah and brought out Captain Giles .  He stood before me in the doorway in all the commonplace solidity of his wisdom .  The gold chain glittered on his breast .  He clutched a smouldering pipe .  I extended my hand to him warmly and he seemed surprised , but did respond heartily enough in the end , with a faint smile of superior knowledge which cut my thanks short as if with a knife .  I don’t think that more than one word came out .  And even for that one , judging by the temperature of my face , I had blushed as if for a bad action .  Assuming a detached tone , I wondered how on earth he had managed to spot the little underhand game that had been going on .  He murmured complacently that there were but few things done in the town that he could not see the inside of .  And as to this house , he had been using it off and on for nearly ten years .  Nothing that went on in it could escape his great experience .  It had been no trouble to him .  No trouble at all .  Then in his quiet , thick tone he wanted to know if I had complained formally of the Steward’s action .  I said that I hadn’t — though , indeed , it was not for want of opportunity .  Captain Ellis had gone for me bald-headed in a most ridiculous fashion for being out of the way when wanted .  “ Funny old gentleman , ” interjected Captain Giles .  “ What did you say to that ?  ”  “ I said simply that I came along the very moment I heard of his message .  Nothing more .  I didn’t want to hurt the Steward .  I would scorn to harm such an object .  No. I made no complaint , but I believe he thinks I’ve done so .  Let him think .  He’s got a fright he won’t forget in a hurry , for Captain Ellis would kick him out into the middle of Asia .  .  .  .  ”  “ Wait a moment , ” said Captain Giles , leaving me suddenly .  I sat down feeling very tired , mostly in my head .  Before I could start a train of thought he stood again before me , murmuring the excuse that he had to go and put the fellow’s mind at ease .  I looked up with surprise .  But in reality I was indifferent .  He explained that he had found the Steward lying face downward on the horsehair sofa .  He was all right now .  “ He would not have died of fright , ” I said contemptuously .  “ No. But he might have taken an overdose out of one of them little bottles he keeps in his room , ” Captain Giles argued seriously .  “ The confounded fool has tried to poison himself once — a few years ago .  ”  “ Really , ” I said without emotion .  “ He doesn’t seem very fit to live , anyhow .  ”  “ As to that , it may be said of a good many .  ”  “ Don’t exaggerate like this !  ” I protested , laughing irritably .  “ But I wonder what this part of the world would do if you were to leave off looking after it , Captain Giles ?  Here you have got me a command and saved the Steward’s life in one afternoon .  Though why you should have taken all that interest in either of us is more than I can understand .  ”  Captain Giles remained silent for a minute .  Then gravely :  “ He’s not a bad steward really .  He can find a good cook , at any rate .  And , what’s more , he can keep him when found .  I remember the cooks we had here before his time !  .  .  .  ”  I must have made a movement of impatience , because he interrupted himself with an apology for keeping me yarning there , while no doubt I needed all my time to get ready .  What I really needed was to be alone for a bit .  I seized this opening hastily .  My bedroom was a quiet refuge in an apparently uninhabited wing of the building .  Having absolutely nothing to do ( for I had not unpacked my things ) , I sat down on the bed and abandoned myself to the influences of the hour .  To the unexpected influences .  .  .  .  And first I wondered at my state of mind .  Why was I not more surprised ?  Why ?  Here I was , invested with a command in the twinkling of an eye , not in the common course of human affairs , but more as if by enchantment .  I ought to have been lost in astonishment .  But I wasn’t .